It’s Saturday afternoon, and it’s the 4th of July. I have a 4th of July fam bam bash/uncle’s birthday party later on during the day (photos will be posted later on today!) With a theme that makes sense, Havana Nights! Great theme, great way to honor my motherland’s rich heritage (translation, alcohol, cigars, and copious amounts of pork, rice, black beans, and yucca) while honoring my home country’s 233rd birthday. Remember, unless you’re a descendent of a Native American tribe, we’re all immigrants to this country; we all came from somewhere else. Your family might be from Mexico, Germany, Ireland, or in my case, Cuba. But remember, nothing is more American than being from somewhere else, because, well, everyone is. (Of course, you should still know how to fucking speak English, my family had to learn when they came from Cuba, and while Ricky Ricardo might not have been the best teacher, goddammit, abuela learned! You should have to learn too goddammit! This is America…FUCK YEAH!)
While waiting for this fam bam bash to start though, I passed the time the way I usually do when born. MySpace poker! Now for those of you familiar with the podcast I do with John, and if you’re not, then what the fuck is wrong with you, you’ll know that there are certain things we like, sports, cursing, music, and poker. Is poker a sport? I say no, it can’t be a sport if it involves sitting on your ass, ESPN coverage be damned! But, it’s still fun, we still enjoy it. I play for real, but most of the time, I just play on MySpace, for fake MySpace money. It’s not a money thing for me, it’s a competitive thing.
See, I’m one of the most competitive people on planet earth. You tell me you can do something better than me, I’ll show you where you’re wrong. You drive a golf ball the farthest? I can out drive you, and I haven’t played golf since I was 14! You go 15/15 at pop a shot at Dave and Busters, I’ll go 16/16, and I shoot worse than Shaq at the free throw line. You tell me your boyfriend makes you moan in bed? I’ll make you scream so loud it wakes your parents up…when we live in Miami and your parents live in New York! Point is, I thrive on competition, it brings the best, and sometimes the worst, out of me.
But today it wasn’t just about competition. While I did participate in this sit and go MySpace tourney, my heart wasn’t quite in it at first. I just needed something to do before I started to get ready. So I clicked on it, but really didn’t pay attention. It didn’t help that the first few hands that I dealt weren’t exactly winners. But then I looked down at the chat, and well, you read it for yourself.
Mz.Muffin: ty 4 da rose
KarN : yw
Ace Of Spades: gl everyone
Mz.Muffin: yea u 2
►THE KING◄: gl
Mz.Muffin: ty 4da rose
ty 4 da teddy bear
miguel pereira: portugues?
Mz.Muffin: yes but dnt speak it
miguel pereira: ah???? so portugues cat
miguel pereira: so ebtender portugues
Mz.Muffin: ty 4da rose
ty 4 da beer
►THE KING◄: she deserves a red rose
Mz.Muffin: ty 4 da rose\
►THE KING◄: does she
miguel pereira: camon
tas fora toine
Mz.Muffin: tommy ur thing says: The smartest, funniest, and most handsome man in the world! n u deff aint nigga
►THE KING◄: lol thats mean but funny
Mz.Muffin: datz me
miguel pereira: tommy es um boi corno
Mz.Muffin: it should say the dumbest loser n ugly-est man in da world
►THE KING◄: lol your lowering his self esteem
Mz.Muffin: have u seen him? he fat
►THE KING◄: lol
Potter: yea that was haliouris
miguel pereira: messa
Now let me give you some insight. Mz. Muffin had to be maybe, 16, 17 years old? Doesn’t know me, but hey, her thought process is let’s gang up and insult the one guy not saying anything and not really playing so we could build up our self-esteem while trying to tear down his. After all it’s not like poker is a game where vindictiveness can actually help you play better right? Right? Well, it was time for me to lay down my weakest verbal smack down. Why my weakest? Because that doesn’t deserve a good one.
Tommy: *rolls eyes* so u guys having fun coming up with clever insults? I mean seriously thats the weakest I've heard since Kindergarten!
►THE KING◄: ooooo packin
Could I have come up with someone better? Of course, I used to freestyle, and about 50% of freestyling is coming up with clever quips, that rhyme, in a fraction of a second. Here, not only did it not have to rhyme, but I had all day, see I could’ve said this:
Tommy: Little mz muffin, sat on a tuffin, eating her curds and whey
She tries to be witty, but ends up looking silly, cuz she turned her last 2 boyfriends gay!
Something along those lines, but she wasn’t worth it, besides, I was playing poker, meaning, I was in my element. On top of that, I was in “EFF YOU!” mode. Now, “EFF YOU!” mode is a magical place when you’re competing for something. I do my best writing in “EFF YOU!” mode, I’ve been in “EFF YOU!” mode for the last month, and couldn’t have been more creative, our last podcast was probably our best one yet! Don’t underestimate the power of “EFF YOU!” mode. (One place where “EFF YOU!” mode doesn’t work? Relationships! You’re pretty much signing a relationship’s death certificate when you try to make it work while you’re in “EFF YOU!” mode!)
Well, every time someone puts me into “EFF YOU!” mode while playing poker, I end up winning. And this was no exception. Before I saw these witty insults, I had had yet to play a hand I wasn’t blinded into, partly because I didn’t have any good hands, but also partly because I was disinterested and didn’t feel like bluffing. After though? Well in the words of Tony Soprano, fuggetaboutit! Lo and behold, my next hand, Jack-10 suited. I play it, and put mz muffin all in. Someone else calls, but he wasn’t all in. The flop comes out, Jack-6-3. I check, the other guy checks. Then comes the turn: Jack. This gives me Trips. I check while the other guy bets, so I call. I had a feeling this dude had a Jack based off of his bet, but still wasn’t sure, and if he did, what was his kicker? In my eyes, only a 3, 6, queen, or ace could beat me. Then comes the river: a 6! Now I had a full house, only a four of a kind, straight flush, or royal flush could beat me now. At worst, I’m splitting the pot with this guy, at best, I’m winning this fat pot. So I go all in, he calls, and he ended up with THE EXACT SAME HAND AS ME: JACK-10 SUITED! But, what did mz muffin have? King-2! Now, King-2 you’ll play when you’re blinded in or only have to play the blinds, but if the flop doesn’t come out with 3 2’s, 3 K’s, two K’s and a 2, two 2’s and a K, or a straight or flush draw, you fold by the flop, and if someone puts you all in, you certainly don’t play it. After the flop, I was beating her, and after the Turn, she was drawing dead! Of course I looked at the chat, and saw this:
Mz.Muffin: 0-o0o0o0o ur in kindergarten still?
►THE KING◄: who me
Now, I don’t know what she was trying to say, I doubt she even knew, after all, she was a stupid little girl, and let’s face it, I think I’ve seen enough of those in my life already. Well, she lost, but before she left the game for good, I had this reply, it’s a shame she didn’t get to read it though:
Tommy: I said since kindergarten mz muffin...when u graduate from there you'll know what the word since means ;-)
I ended up owning in the tourney after this, all thanks to mz muffin. I hope she’s out there somewhere and winds up reading this, and if she is, thanks love! Thanks for putting me into “EFF YOU!” mode, it was a blast being able to kick you out of the room. Have fun picking on others who don’t meet your standard of beauty. And when you have kids of your own, which based off of your profile picture and the way you tried to impress all in the room I would guess will be soon despite you being only 17 years old, remember the day you put the fat dude in your poker room in “EFF YOU!” mode as you look at your old pictures and reminisce about your high school days while looking at your yearbook then start crying as you look down at your stomach that’s bigger than the good year blimp and your hips that are wider than the double wide that you call home.
(What? Was that too vindictive? Ahh yea, the downfall of “EFF YOU!” mode. Sorry.)