Friday, July 24, 2009

Friday Afternoon Videos #3

Today’s edition of Friday Afternoon Videos is being brought to you commercial free by the Letter C!

Today, on Friday Afternoon Videos, Videos from The Fray, a freestyle from Biggie and 2pac, Kanye West and John Mayer, stand up comedy from Chris Rock, Young MC, and a Video Jukebox with new challenger, Miley Cyrus! But first, the winner of last week’s video jukebox, the Muppets!

Up next, The Fray! But first, a message from Cookie Monster!

That was The Fray with look after you, now here’s a rare nugget, a freestyle with two of the greatest rappers of all time, The Notorious B.I.G. and 2pac!

Now for some hilarious stand up comedy from Chris Rock.

And finally tonight, we leave you with Cam’Ron and Kanye West with Down and Out.

For our Video Jukebox, it’s the defending champions the Muppets vs. Miley Cyrus’ The Climb. You can look up her video yourself.

I don’t need any closing credits for this one, after review, they were stupid. From Miami signing off, I’m Tommy Galicia, thank you for watching Friday Afternoon Videos.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Remember this is an actual Survey found on myspace....

You're locked in a room with the last person you kissed any problems?
HUGE PROBLEMS! See we'll probably get along for the first 10 minutes until Josie Grossie calls then it will all go to hell (Ladies and Gentlemen...The CDT Era!)

Do you walk around the house in your underwear?
Damn, sometimes naked (lead to an odd occurence the other day, didn't expect Dad to come over)

Would you ever get plastic surgery?
Would DaVinci had redone the Mona Lisa? Would Michaelangelo paint over the sistine chapel? Would they install a Jumbotron at Wrigley Field? The answer to all of those is of course, NO! (God made me the most handsome man on the planet, it would be an insult to him if I changed anything on me by way of surgery, and I know not to insult God)

Have you ever caught a fish?
a small one

Have you ever looked someone straight in the eyes and told them a lie?
yes i have i cant remember the last time tho,good thing right? :D (I concur with you there Ms. Arreola!)

What was the last beverage you had?
agua (for those of you who are bilingually impaired, thats water!)

Are you someone who worries too often?
I am a HUGE HUGE worrywart! (almost neurotic, like a bad Richard Lewis standup routine, and yes I know noone under the age of 24 gets that reference!)

Could you go out in public, looking like you do now?
pwsh! yeah (I concur with ms. arreola again...see this is why we're besties, we think on the same wavelength, its odd, I swear, her, me, n liz would tear the world apart of we could be a real trio!)

Did you wake up before 8am this morning?
yeah i think i fell asleep as 6am (again, I'm just taking dee's answer, cept add a couple of hours to that!)

Do you wear eyeliner?
um...NO! (I'm neither an emo kid nor am I Billy Joe of Green Day, or the lead singer of My Chemical Romance nor Panic at the Disco...whatever happened to those last two bands?)

Do you get mad easily? dont get me mad >: o lol (same with me, I'm like the hulk, u don't wanna see me when I'm angry!)

Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough?
jerky bitch ass guys tend to do that to people (and stupid wenches do that too...ladies and gentlemen, the collective amanda de la cruz, CDT, Amber Wills, and Christina Gonzalez eras!)

Has anybody ever told you that you have pretty eyes?
nope, just handsome eyes (same difference, just, um, imma guy)

Have you ever slept in the same bed as your friend?
yes i have. (pillow barrier, believe me, on road trips where u gotta go 4 to a room and 2 beds and u can't ask for a rollaway bed cuz the hotel thinks that only 2 ppl r staying in the room, its a necessity!)

Has anyone ever borrowed anything from you and never returned it?
yes..bastards (Hector...I need my forgetting sarah marshall, family guy season 4 DVDs, and my FIFA 2007 back! You can keep the porn)

Truth or dare always turns sexual, doesn't it?
here i have to disagree with Diana, cuz, YES! It always does, just not for me
(Time for a story? Twist my arm! A few years ago we were hanging out in a hotel on the beach for Vivi's b-day, it was me, Shawn, Vivi, and Paris (not her real name, but she looked like a shorter, better looking Paris Hilton so we called her Paris) and a couple of other dudes, well we started playing truth or dare, unfortunately, Shawn couldn't dare me to do anything with Paris, Vivi however dared me to chug an entire bottle of Alaze or however you spell it, and I was ripped...ended up puking out the window and a lot of it got on the wall of the hotel. And it was terrible, but, I wouldn't trade that experience for anything in the world! Ok now back to the survey!)

Where is the person who has your heart?
A lot of people have a piece of my heart, I call them good friends!

Is there anyone who doesn't like you?
Josie Grossie, but only cuz she hates herself!

Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest/ fastest for?
Yea, and we are good friends. (btw, how's Stormy?)

Do you think that you have made a difference in someone's life?
I was told last night that I did, so I got that goin for me, which is nice

Would you rather take a relationship really slow or really fast?
In the words of John Legend, (Take it slow-ow-ow-ow....Take it slow-ow-ow-ow)

Is there someone who continuously lets you down?
yea but we dnt need to get into that

Have you ever fallen for someone much older than you?

Where is your best friend right now?
one's in Illinois, last time I talked to her she was tanning (gettin ready for brickyard, will this be the year u seduce Kasey Kahne?), 2 r in Texas, one is gettin ready to go out (go dee!) the other is probably working (miss ya jennifer!) one is on his way home from work and I'm on the phone with him bitching about the fact that my football team has Gloria Estefan, Jennifer Lopez, and Marc Anthony as co-owners (who will the give the trophy to if they dolphins win the super bowl? and will they pull a major league with JLO?) and the other is workin out with his lil bro that we call lil nigga (and probably listening to torture killer, :-D)

Can you honestly say that you're okay right now?
I'm alright, aint no body worry bout me!

can you honestly say running is great?
yea, i'm gonna go do that right now!

Could you go for the rest of your life without drinking alcohol?
I could, BUT, in the words of Frank Sinatra,
"I feel bad for those people who don't drink, because when you wake up in the morning that's as good as you're going to feel all day long"

Have you ever fallen asleep in someone's arms?
yes! (just not with the last one, she had her shot last nite but oh well, her loss not mines)

Do you find it difficult to sleep on your stomach?

Is there someone you will never forget?
yup (I mentioned them earlier!)

Has anyone told you they loved you in the last week?
yes this morning...i love u thomas!!!! <---(stolen from Diana, does that answer ur question mr. survey man? and btw, Love you too Bestie!)

Last time you were on the phone?
earlier at like 8:30

With who?
my best friend♥ (stolen from Diana, but YES, my best friend too, well, one of them, I can't say I have A best friend, but I got the bestest friends in the world :-D)

How many pillows are on your bed?

What's the longest you've ever talked on the phone?
9 hours, 35 minutes, 23 seconds, set last night with ms. arreola, not 7 as she previously reported, but honestly, it felt like 9 minutes, time just flies with her!

First person you tell your problems to?
mom (I concur with ms. arreola again, except with my mom replacing hers obviously!)

What are you wearing?
b-ball shorts, black tank top, black boxer briefs

Who was your crush in 5th grade?
shit, I think it might've been this chick Edith, idk, 5th grade was a crazy time for me, i was awkward with a capital A!

Is there anyone who understands your relationship status?
2 ppl really, Diana and Liz

Do you want to fix anything with anyone?
nah nothing to fix right now, everything's in order

Have you ever had a girl best friend?
I got 3 (I just spent this entire fucking survey talking about them and its gotta ask me that? WTF!)

What are you currently listening to?
When you see my face hope it gives you hell hope it gives you hell! When you walk my way hope it gives you hell hope it gives you hell! If you find a man who's worth a damn and treats you well, then he's a fool you're just as well, hope it gives u hell!

Monday, July 20, 2009

A Myspace Survey

You know the rules people, take a boring survey, spice it up by answering the question, then making my own smartass comments about them...if you want, (in fact I recommend this) do the same thing. Why am I doing this you might ask? Well I saw something that one should never have to see today, a combination of heartbreaking and disgusting, and I'll leave it at that, so I'm pretty down right now, so I'm going to try to throw myself into this to see if I feel better...

how often do you see your ex?
depends on the ex really (who makes these questions, don't they know that most people take steps to AVOID seeing their ex's and its not something they do by accident?)

Would you ever donate blood?
ive done it several times :) ill keep doin it till i die (note: this was Diana's answer first, in the words of Frank Abagnale Jr., I concur)

Is someone on your mind right now?
yes :-D (mucha mwas babes)

Who was the last person to text you?
Chrissy :-D (*ding* the pilot has now turned the no mushiness sign, please don't show anymore signs that ur sprung!)

Do you believe in love?
Thats a great song by Huey Lewis and the News (I'm not answering that question because, well, I'm not there yet)

When was the last time you were soo drunk you threw up?
Wow, like a year ago at Giselle's b-day party, really a crowning achievement, 5 long islands, a patron shot with steve, some girly drinks I had to drink with my sister, a drunken phone call where I singlehandedly turned Diana off to that Kardinal Offishall song dangerous, I redecorated Gisselle's bathroom and Steve's car all on one night (sorry Gisselle, sorry Steve, sorry Diana, still what a great fucking night! Gisselle, you having another b-day shindig? Am I invited?)

Do you miss anyone?
yeah, a few people, and someone else who's not the same anymore

Are you closer to your mother or father?
its the same level with both, adulthood can do that to you, you try to rebel against your parents throughout your teen years, but then as you get older and start to mellow out a bit, you think more like them, as the late great Tim Russert once said "The older I get, the smarter my father gets." Well I think the same thing goes for me and my parents too. (We'll be back to this edition of Tommy Galicia: 25 going on 50 right after this!)

Do you have trust issues?
I trust who I trust because they earn it! And there are some people who I'm still waiting to make the leap! (Trust HAS to be earned, it can't just be given away)

Did you like anyone last summer?
well, there was one person on my mind...
What color is your hair?
brown (again stolen from Diana, but true!)

Whats the closest red object to you?

Could you date someone taller than you?
tried that once, nope, as a guy you just feel inadequate

What did you do last night?
quiet night at sports grill

Do you live near your best friend?
well, I have 4 of them and couldn't be happier, I live by 2 of them, one lives in illinois, the other lives in TX!

Your most recent ex says he/she hates you, you say?
she wouldn't ever say that to me, at least I don't think so

How did you get your last bruise?
walked into a wall

Think back in February, how was your love life then?
pretty ok really, wasn't seeing anyone

Are you the same person as you were at the beginning of 2008?
a lot has changed, both good and bad (as usually happens in 19 months, doy!

Expecting something to change in the next month?
starting work again, getting more money

What are you doing next month?
I just answered that! (they pretty much asked the same question!)

Will you be in a relationship next month?
I hope so, I just hope that my hatred of Miley and her love of Miley doesn't interfere

Have you ever kissed someone in the rain?

On a roof?
yes (now try on a roof in the rain! Got a lot of yall there :-D)

In a car?
yepp (stolen from Diana cuz I'm too lazy to write it out myself when its the same answer, and yes I know I wasted more time writing out this explanation, in the words of Liz, BITE ME!)

On a boat?
yes (for the first time, a positive reason to do this....Ladies and Gentlemen, the Amanda De La Cruz Era!)

In the movies?
yes (ladies and gentlemen, high school!)

At the beach?
yes (I live in Miami Trick, pretty much if you live here and don't kiss someone or get kissed on the beach, ur pathetic, end of story!)

Whats the worst feeling in the world?
yeesh, the stomach punch...not a literall stomach punch but a figurative one...I'll discuss that later on, like if I don't have anymore ideas left and its not Friday Afternoon so I can't rely on music videos)

The person you like says they like you, you say?
I like you to, you're a really cool person (actual words I said the other day, I know, how lame, yet this girl is actually with me)

Can you sleep in jeans?

Has the opposite sex (excluding family) ever sang to you before?
surprisingly, no :-( (seriously, no one has ever sang for me)

Who was your last missed call from?
Dad (I'm not an asshole, I called him right back, I was showering!)

Are you a jealous person?
I never thought I was but I guess I am

Do you have a bad temper?
if u piss me off enough I do!

Do you like your life so far?
Yea, life has its ups, its downs, its a rollercoaster, but in the end, its just a ride, and its up to you and you alone to change the direction of that ride, but thats what it is, a ride

What are you doing right now besides this?
talkin to the person I stole this survey from

What are you doing this weekend?
idk yet really, we'll see!

Any plans for tonight?
finishing this survey

where is your heart?
in my chest

what does you last text say?
yo thomas, down to play pool tomorrow night from shawn

There's the survey...u know the drill, copy it, paste it in a bulliten!

Friday, July 17, 2009

Friday Afternoon Videos

We’re Just going to jump into the intro for Today’s version, but first a message: Friday Afternoon Videos is brought to you commercial free by 2Big2Fail Sports, the podcast that is 2BIG2FAIL! Be There! On myspace at, or on twitter @2big2failsports.

Today on Friday Afternoon Videos presented by 2Big2Fail Sports, The Doobie Brothers, Gabriel Iglesieas, The Legendary Roots, and Nickleback. But first, the winner of the first Video Jukebox. It’s LL Cool J with “I Need Love!”

This song is dedicated to, the host of Today’s show, me. Listen to the lyrics and you’ll know what its dedicated to me, here’s an oldie but goodie, The Doobie Brothers with “What a Fool Believes”

Now switching gears to some comedy. Gabriel Iglesieas!

Back to some great music. Usually I’m not a fan of hyperbole, but when it comes to these guys, the name fits them well. Ladies’ and Gentlemen, from Philadelphia, The Legendary Roots!

Living the dream always seems much better than it actually is, no one knows that better than Chad Kroger from Nickleback. Here in a live performance, it’s their Number 1 hit, Rockstar. As an added bonus, it came from a fan’s cell phone cam. I love when that happens.

And now for this week’s Video Jukebox. This week, the muppets will take their shot against defending champion LL Cool J:

Thanks for watching, see you next week. Saying have a nice week from Miami, this is your host Tommy Galicia, thank you for watching Friday Afternoon Videos.

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Underrated Movies

Every summer, Hollywood trots out new films. Usually these movies are based off of existing franchises (Transformers 2, G.I. Joe, Ice Age 3, Harry Potter), reboots of franchises (Star Trek), sophomoric comedies (The Hangover) or they’re tear jerkers that I’d rather be strangled with a game worn Hedo Turkoglu jersey than watch (My Sister’s Keeper). All the films I named in this paragraph came out this year. In this movie review, you won’t be hearing reviews of films that came out this year, just a quick synopsis, and my opinion, plus a little video clip of it that tells the story.

Now, I’m into movies, a lot. Some movies I like are the ones everyone likes. Some movies I hate are the ones everyone seems to like. (I’ll spell the titles backwards, cinatit, koobeton eht, thgiliwt, can’t figure it out? Then you don’t know me, for if you did, you’d know exactly what movies I’m talking about!) And some movies, the four I’m writing about, seem to be the type of movies that, if I meet someone else who likes them, I feel like I have a kinship with them, that we belong in some sort of special club, that only we belong to. I’m trying to get more people into the club with these flicks, so here they are.

Flight of the Navigator (1986)

Of all the great 80’s flicks, this one seems to fall through the cracks. I can’t think of why honestly. It mixed all of the great elements of science fiction, comedy, drama, and was great for the whole family.

The story is about 12 year old David Scott Freeman. David is a typical kid growing up in Miami in 1978, yet doesn’t seem to have a single Cuban-American friend, nor is there a single Cuban in the movie. (Because Cubans are only good for one thing, selling cocaine, as witnessed in Scarface.) On the 4th of July, David is sent out to pick up his eight year old brother from a friend’s house. (Because in 1978 Miami, it was safe for an eight year old and a 12 year old to walk by themselves at 9pm, oh wait, it wasn’t, as you’ll see in my Cocaine Cowboys review later on in the blog!) However on the way there, David slips and falls into a ravine and passes out. He wakes up what seems like a couple minutes later, heads back home and notices that his parents aren’t there, someone else moved in.

David is then picked up by the police, where he finds out that it’s no longer 1978, its 1986, and he had been declared legally dead for quite some time. The cops wonder why he hasn’t aged one bit, as he’s still 12 years old like he was when he first went missing. He’s brought back to his parents’ new house, where they’re relieved that he’s alive. (I’d wonder if someone was playing some cruel practical joke on me and probably tell the cops to fuck off, but that’s just me and I’m different, and this is a Disney Movie.) After that he’s taken to a hospital, where they conduct a series of tests on him. After finding nothing wrong, he’s released back home. However at the same time, NASA is investigating a flying saucer that crashed into some power lines nearby. Because of the coincidence between the two, David is taken into NASA’s custody for what’s supposed to be 48 hours. While there he starts hearing weird commands, then he’s tested by NASA officials who find out that he was abducted by this spaceship and was gone for 2.2 solar hours (which apparently is the equivalent of 8 years), meets a young intern (played by a very sexy looking Sarah Jessica Parker…and that will be the last time you’ll ever hear the words “sexy” and “Sarah Jessica Parker” in the same sentence in one of my blogs, I guarantee that!) and tells her of her plans on trying to escape.

He escapes in this robot that serves food to everyone staying at NASA and goes straight to the spaceship, which had been commanding him to come to it. Meanwhile SJP escapes to tell his family of what happened. After getting on the spaceship, David is informed that he is the Navigator, and that they need the information that the spaceship (Called Max and voiced by Pee-Wee Herman, aka Paul Reubens). After his brain is scanned, they go home, Max becomes a bit more human life after getting more than the information he needed from David’s head. When David gets home, he realizes that he needs to go back to his own time. Max informs David that this could be dangerous, and the reason why he wasn’t taken back into his own time is because Max was unsure if David could handle time travel. Now since this is a Disney movie, I’m sure you can figure out how this ended.

I LOVED this movie as a kid. For a long time I thought it was the only movie made in Miami (because obviously I wasn’t old enough to see Scarface at the time) and loved watching a movie set in my hometown, plus, it’s about a 12 year old that flies a spaceship, how cool is that? As an adult, I ended up enjoying the movie because of the inside jokes, including one that many people who live in Florida know all too well (should we take I-95 or the Turnpike?) The movie also has a great soundtrack, which I could best describe as “Miami Vice Jr.”. This movie cheered me up as a little kid, and more recently cheered me up now. I found it on sale at Wal-Mart, had to buy it! Have seen it about 30 times since then. It is a solid flick all around.
Now, one thing that scares me: Disney’s remaking the flick. Please don’t mess with the elements that make this film work. Please don’t replace the original score with a soundtrack featuring Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez and the Jonas Brothers. I don’t ask for much Disney, but please, do this for me, don’t turn off the audience that’s excited to see this flick. I want to see the remake, I want to give it a fair shake, but if Miley has anything to do with it, even if it’s as Sarah Jessica Parker’s character (really the only character she could play) then, I’m not interested, nor is anyone that grew up with the film that doesn’t have kids.

Tommy’s rating: 4 spaceships.

The Last American Virgin

This film follows three high school boys trying to get laid: Gary, the sensitive guy, Rick, the player, and Gary, the funny fat kid. Most of the movie, they’re searching for one thing and one thing only, and gets them into different mix ups. In one scene they lure the girls over by promising cocaine, but it’s really Sweet and Low, yet the girls don’t notice. Later on, they end up hooking up with a true cougar, before her husband shows up. And in one scene, they each have their turn with a prostitute, who ends up giving them crabs. However, a love triangle ensues. Gary is in love with Karen, but Karen is in love with Rick. Karen ends up getting with Rick. Rick takes Karen’s virginity, but later on the two get into a fight and break up. Karen turns to Gary and tells him that she’s pregnant. Being the nice guy, Gary ends up using all of his money to get an abortion for Karen, and he takes care of her while she’s recovering. The two feel a connection while together. Gary then buys Karen a locket for her birthday with whatever money was left from the cash he used for her abortion. In the end, as Gary shows up to give Karen her birthday present, he finds out that she got back with Rick, and he leaves to the song Just Once by James Ingram, probably one of the top 10 most depressing songs ever, but fitting for the end of this movie.

Now, this movie has spoken to me in so many ways, but after seeing it about 50-60 times, I started to notice that: Gary was as much to blame as Karen.
Karma was what messed Gary up; he tried to woo Karen the wrong way. Their first encounter was when he went to her house and flattened her bicycle tire. Um, STALKER? See, everyone gets on Karen for what she did to Gary, and I was in the pro-Gary camp for a long time, like most people who saw this movie, I kind of just brushed off the whole “get Karen’s address then flatten her bike tire to give her an excuse to need a ride” ploy. But, that set Gary back. The truth is he used a dishonorable way to get Gary, so he was going to be treated that way. Another thing that I noticed, the blond chick with the glasses was all into him! Why not just accept her see where it goes? Besides, guy code dictates that if your buddy dates someone, she’s off-limits at all times! It still sucks what happened to him, and yes, Karen was wrong for what she did, but, Gary should’ve just been a man from the beginning. Had the writers had Gary come up to Karen and talk to her like a man, then all of this happen, then I’d feel some sympathy for him, other than that though, I always enjoy this movie, and maybe I’m just nitpicking it because I’ve seen it more times than should be allowed.

Tommy’s Rating: 3 Condoms and a Crabs medication


Mel Brook’s most underrated classic. There are three types of people in this world, those who like Spaceballs, those who’ve never seen it, and people who don’t have a soul. It’s a Star Wars/Star Trek/Battlestar Galactica spoof. That’s the best way I could describe it. Rick Moranis and John Candy (in just about every great 80’s comedy, either one or the other was in it, this one had both!) along with a robotic Joan Rivers (no different from the real Joan Rivers) and Bill Pullman as Captain Lone Star. Oh and how could I forget, Pizza The Hutt played by the late, great Dom Deluise. I’d explain more, but, you just have to see this flick, it defies a description.

Tommy’s Rating: 3.5 Dark Helmets

Cocaine Cowboys

The real life Miami Vice/Scarface rolled into once. It’s a documentary culled from news clips, with interviews with former drug dealers, former drug runners, news reporters, lawyers, and police officers. It talks about the drug culture in Miami in the late 70’s and early 80’s, a time when shootouts occurred in busy shopping malls like it was nothing. One quote from Al Sunshine, featured in the documentary and as a reporter on CBS4 in Miami was “if there were only 1 or 2 we didn’t bother covering it, if there were 3 to 5, then it was a story.
Hearing this made me grateful that I grew up in Miami when I did, and also made me understand why my grandparents to this day are so scared of us going out, why marijuana laws are so stringent (even though cocaine was what really caused problems), and why cops in Miami were/can be so crooked. I got a better understanding of the city I grew up in and love, and also learned that, as bad as cocaine was, it built our city, for better or worse, it built our city.

Tommy’s Ratings: 4 lines of coke and 3 joints

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Tommy's Baseball Power Rankings

This is going to be another long one. In other words, get your printers ready, or if you have Wi-Fi at your house, take your computer with you. I feel that reading while performing a bowel movement is probably the best thing anyways, and that’s why I write: because I love entertaining people while they’re doing their business.

This one’s going to be long because I’ll be ranking all of the teams in major league baseball from 30-1. In that I’ll include my playoff predictions, and the same sarcastic wit that you’ve come to expect from me.

I stole something from’s Bill Simmons, the lower tier teams that I don’t feel the need to go in depth into will be placed in divisions named after one of the four most inept managers I’ve seen in my lifetime, and yes, two of them are former Cubs managers (Dusty isn’t one of them though!): Larry Rothschild (Tampa Bay Devil Rays manager 1998-2001), Don Baylor (Colorado Rockies 1993-1998; Chicago Cubs 2001-2002), John Boles (somehow he got two stints as manager of the Marlins, one as Jim Leyland’s rocking chair warmer in 1996, and again from 1999-2001) and Jim Riggleman, who today was named interim manager of the Washington Nationals and has managed the Cubs, Mariners (as an interim) and Padres, and will probably go down as the worst manager to ever lead an overachieving team to the post season. (I mean, think about it, that 1998 Cubs team should’ve been nothing more than an entertaining .500 ballclub no? It was pretty much Sammy Sosa and Kerry Wood and a 1991 Minnesota Twins reunion featuring everyone from that team except Kirby Puckett and Jack Morris; I guess Sosa and Wood took over those roles. Usually that team only makes the playoffs if a Tony LaRussa, Bobby Cox or Joe Torre is managing the team, not Jim Riggleman. They truly were overachievers, and the weird thing is, being the Cubs fans we are, we thought they actually had a shot in a loaded National League that year even though we’d have to get through a 100 win Braves team in the first round, then a stacked Padres team assuming that series ended the way it did, and if they would’ve gotten past the Padres they’d have to face probably the best team of the last 20 years, yet when we got to the playoffs, we thought we had a chance! In-fucking-credible!)

Jim Riggleman Division

30. Washington Nationals
Since he’s taking over that team and all, why not? I swear, he was the worst manager I’ve ever seen, although Freddi Gonzalez is breathing down his neck (more on that in a minute)

Larry Rothschild Division

29. Cleveland Indians
28. San Diego Padres
27. Arizona Diamondbacks
26. Kansas City Royals
When the Devil Rays hired Rothschild to manage the ballclub in 1997, he was fresh off of being the pitching coach of a World Series Championship team (The Marlins), and many thought he’d be a great manager, especially for an expansion club. When the season started, many people thought the Indians, Diamondbacks, Padres, and Royals would be contenders. Much like the then-Devil Rays Rothschild hiring, those prognostications would turn out to be wrong.

John Boles Division

25. Oakland A’s
24. Baltimore Orioles
23. Pittsburgh Pirates
Much like Boles, they’ll win you a few games to convince you that they have it, but in the end, they don’t.

Don Baylor Division

22. New York Mets
Don Baylor may have won a wild card with the Rockies in 1995 but the fact is, after that year, that team should’ve made the next step and won a division or made a World Series appearance. They never did or could get over that hump though, so Baylor was fired. Yet in 2001, simply because he was a third base coach on the Atlanta Braves, the Cubs thought he’d make a great manager and hired him, despite the fact that he was TERRIBLE in Colorado. See in the case of the Cubs hiring Dusty, they hired someone who’d at least made a few playoff appearances and was fresh off a World Series. He blew that World Series, but he was there. Baylor though was not a good hiring. I tend to think it was because they saw some footage of him playing for the Angels in the 70’s belting line drives and thought he could convince his players to do the same.
What does this have to do with the New York Mets? Well, two years ago they blew it the final week of the season. Last year they blew it the final week of the season. Other than Santana, Wright, Reyes (when healthy) and K-Rod, they have nothing but a bunch of players who not only have only gotten older, but are still emotionally reeling from the last two years of epic collapses. The team should’ve been blown up last season but they brought it back hoping it would work. It won’t. Fact is, it’s time to trade Beltran and Delgado and give Sheffield a chance to go to a team that has a better chance of competing and needs a DH, it’s not going to happen New York Mets fans, just admit it.

Flea Market Montgomery, it’s just like, it’s just like, a mini-mall hey hey Division

21. Toronto Blue Jays
Roy Halladay is on the trading block, so’s Vernon Wells. And since Toronto is dumb enough to say that, they lose leverage on any deal. Later on I’ll break down the best deal we could see that will work for the Blue Jays and another two teams. Other than that, boring team.

Won’t do anything but be very afraid of playing them Division

20. Cincinnati Reds
19. Atlanta Braves
18. Houston Astros
The Reds are still about two years away from being a bonafied contender. The Braves really need to clean house, and the Astros are about as exciting as paint drying. But if your season is on the line, do you want to play any of them? Didn’t think so.

Ready to bust out and do what they seem to do every year.

17. Minnesota Twins
What do they do every year? Start off slow, and then make a big run in August, then win their division. When I’m writing this August 16th, I’ll probably have them as high as 10.

Possible contenders if the right things happen.

16. Chicago White Sox
15. Chicago Cubs
Both these teams are just a good deal away from swooping in and stealing their divisions. The Cubs though are closer because of the fact that they SHOULD be players in the Roy Halladay sweepstakes. That doesn’t mean they will be, but they should be. How will this work? Well consider the factors:

Halladay is in full control. He wants to go to a National League team in a big market that’s in contention.
The Cubs, Dodgers, and Phillies fit that mold. The Cubs are only 3.5 games back, and haven’t even been totally healthy yet.

Whoever gets Halladay has to be able to take on Vernon Wells as well.
Now you might be thinking where are the Cubs going to put Wells, right? How about Right Field. He sure as hell would be an upgrade over their big bust of last year that every cubs fan knew would be a bust but Hendry didn’t seem to see it. Fact is, this deal is way too easy to NOT pull off.

Chicago gets:
Roy Halladay and Vernon Wells

Toronto Gets:
Milton Bradley, Josh Vitters, Andrew Cashner, Ryan Flahtery, Randy Wells and cash

Why would the Cubs make that deal you might ask? Vitters, Cashner and Flahtery are 3 of their top 5 prospects, and their farm system has thinned out, plus, Wells has been pitching very well since being called up. Well it’s simple. Because they have to make a move to win now and their window is closing. You might also ask why Toronto would take Bradley, well that’s why the Cubs are including cash, you know to buy him out so he can go someplace else, hopefully far far away from the sport of baseball. But this isn’t just an I hate Milton Bradley trade, it’s a trade that makes sense for both teams. The Cubs get another shut down starter to compliment Zambrano (who’s actually not a big game pitcher even though he should be), Lilly (a great number 3), Dempster (a good number 4 when he’s not hurting himself celebrating walk off wins), and Harden. A rotation of Halladay, Zambrano, Harden, Lilly, and Dempster makes the Cubs a force, and their pitching has been great this year. Wells can play right, get rejuvenated by Wrigley, and bring a bit more balance to the lineup and have a positive effect on the lineup as a whole.

When healthy, it would look like this:
Soriano LF
Theriot SS
Wells CF
Ramirez 3B
Soto C
Hoffpauir/Fox 1B
Fukudome RF
Fontenot 2B

Now, I know it’s very righty dominant, which many, including myself, say was their downfall last year. But, these guys can hit the ball and get on base, and with Wells probably wouldn’t have the jitters they had last season, time will tell. And if you’re wondering where Lee went:

Angels get: Derrek Lee
Cubs get: 2 of the Angels top prospects

So pretty much, the Cubs basically traded Bradley and Lee for Halladay and Wells because this deal (which would work out well for the Angels because in the lineup it would give Vlad Guerrero and Torii Hunter some protection, you know until October) would solve any farm system problems. Will Cubs fans be happy about it? No, but Lee really is past his prime, and both Hoffpauir and Fox need at bats. Will the Cubs do this? No. They think they can still win a World Series with their current team sadly.

Hey we might’ve lost Sabathia and Sheets but we’re still alright and since the Cubs won’t pull the trigger on any of the deals you mentioned above, we might finish ahead of them division:

14. Milwaukee Brewers
I wouldn’t want to bet against a team with that type of offense. These guys can do one thing better than just about any overall team in the National League, and that’s hit the ball. They have pitching problems, and that will keep them from getting to the playoffs, but these guys will remain fun to watch (except for me and other Cubs and Cardinals fans) the rest of the year.

We overachieved the first half and will probably be about ten spots lower next month:

13. Colorado Rockies
12. Seattle Mariners
Rockies are in a division where the top two teams are head and shoulders ahead of everyone else. They’re in the middle. Of course if I were the Giants, I don’t want to see them on the schedule as they chug towards a Wild Card. The Mariners though have too many flaws to be considered a threat to anyone as far as the AL West is concerned, but again, will not be a team the Rangers or Angels want to face.

We’d be a better team if we still had Joe Girardi division:

11. Florida Marlins
They’re my sleeper pick to win the NL East (I’ll explain when I get to the Phillies). The only man in the way of that: Freddi Gonzalez. In two years when I’m writing this, he’ll have a division named after him (much like another former Braves 3rd base coach, Don Baylor. I see the similarities there, both were former braves coaches, only difference was Freddi is an obvious affirmative action/marketing hire because he’s Cuban. And don’t say I’m racist, I’m Cuban too!) He handles himself with the demeanor of a Tamiami fall league coach. I imagine him calling every player “papo” and telling his players after every win that they’re going to Pizza Hut. He’s just not a good manager, period. If Girardi were still the Marlins manager, they’d be cruising to an NL East title right now. I mean that!

Still iffy but they have a better shot than the previous 20 teams division.

10. St. Louis Cardinals
9. Detroit Tigers
8. Texas Rangers
7. Tampa Bay Rays
Each team is in first or second except the Rays, who are only in third place because of their division. Each team could shift into another gear and take their division or Wild Card, each team is very iffy. Sympathy for the Rays though, it’s not their fault right now.

Defending Champs that aren’t doing such a great job of defending it but are still ranked high because they brought back the same team and they’re in a bad division and a team that has a legit shot of overtaking them has Freddi Gonzalez as their manager division.

6. Philadelphia Phillies
Has a World Series Championship ballclub that is in first place at the all-star break ever been considered a disappointment? To me the Phillies are. They brought back the same team, yet are underachieving. They might make it into the playoffs, but who knows, if the Marlins make a key deal, Philadelphia could find themselves on the outside looking in. Rollins is struggling way too much for my liking, I feel like his career should be eulogized.


5. Los Angeles Angels
S.O.S. means same old shit. The Angels lead the AL West, they have prospects they can move to make a big trade that will push them over the hump, they don’t make the trade, they win the west by seven games, get swept in the first round by the Red Sox. Lather, rinse, repeat. What year is this again?

The cream of the crop

4. New York Yankees
Only thing I don’t like about this Yankees team, other than the fact that they’re the Yankees, is their record against other teams in their division, as well as their record against teams above .500. Other than that, they’re pretty solid. Teixeira has caught fire, their pitching has held up, they look solid. Not World Series winner solid, but solid enough to get into the playoffs.

3. San Francisco Giants
No one seems to be talking about them, but they have the best pitching rotation in baseball. Why isn’t anyone considering them a favorite to get to the World Series other than the fact that they’re in the same division as the Dodgers? Because their offense is pretty anemic right? Well, here’s the thing. With the pitching they have, they’re good with three to four runs a game while other contenders (like the teams at #5 and #6 need to score five or 6 runs per game. Plus, they’re on the West Coast. But their rotation is just way too solid for them to not make it as the Wild Card, which they will do barring an epic collapse, and they’re my pick to make it to the World Series from the National League.

2. Boston Red Sox
Their pitching isn’t deep enough for my liking, but they have the best overall team in baseball. So why are they at number two even though I think they’re going to the World Series? Because it’s based off of how the teams did in the first half, plain and simple!

1. Los Angeles Dodgers
You’re asking yourself, “If this guy doesn’t think they’re getting to the World Series, why does he have them at number one?” I answered that in the Red Sox part, but I’ll elaborate. The only team stopping the Dodgers is the Giants. Bad matchup for LA there, and that will be the NLCS matchup.

World Series prediction: Giants vs. Red Sox, Red Sox in 6.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Friday Afternoon Videos

When I was younger, NBC used to have a show that came on after Conan called Friday Night Videos. If you were one of the last kids on the block without cable, it was your only way to watch music videos. Of course, since they don’t really make music videos anymore, there’s no need for a show called Friday Night Videos. However every Friday afternoon, Tommy’s Friday Afternoon videos will take its place. (Why call it Friday Afternoon Videos? Because that’s when I’ll be posting them fool!)

Now The format of Friday Night Videos went as follows: they showed the hot music videos of the day, mixed in with some standup comedy. The format of Friday Afternoon Videos is music videos of songs I like, both old and new, mixed with fucked up shit I found on YouTube. If a friend of mines makes a video, that goes on here too. Today I’ll be posting three music videos, a stand up routine. That’s four videos in all. Plus, FNV also had a feature called the video juke box, where a video would go head to head with other videos, and you had to call a 1900 number to vote and it cost something like 0.99 cents to vote. I’m not about to do that though, instead the voting will be with your comments, and instead of posting videos to vote on, I’ll just link you to them. Plus, I’ll be taking requests! (If you want to request a song telling me to go kill myself, I’ll play it!)

So we begin the first installment of: Friday Afternoon Videos!!!

Video #1: Halo 3 kills to Rev Theory's Hell Yeah!I love the game Halo, and Hell Yeah is my favorite song at the moment. Since I couldn't upload the great vid of this song (Thanks Universal Music Group, way to know your fans and eliminate a potential promotional vehicle for your bands. Leave it to the music industry to again be stuck five years behind the times as usual!) I chose Halo 3 kills that went with this song, so enjoy.

That was Rev Theory with "Hell Yeah!" coming up next, music from Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney, NWA, and stand up from commedian Katt Williams, after these messages!

In memory of Michael Jackson, we have one of his most underrated songs...only its not Michael Jackson or Paul McCartney in the video...thats right, we're taking a classic 80's song and wondering what would happen if the two most prominent entertainers of this decade gave it a shot, its right in their wheelhouse, and considering the MJ rebirth thru death, they shouldn't definately give it a shot, so here's Usher and Justin with Say Say Say

Great vid, now here's some comedy from Katt Williams

More FAV coming up after this!Friday Afternoon Videos is sponsored by Slap Chop! You’re gonna love our nuts!

And now we're back, with some old school gangsta shit!

Video Jukebox time, going head to head this week:
Drake's The Best I've ever had
A real muhfuckin hip hop love song from a real hip hop legend, not a Degrassi flunkie! LL Cool J I Need Love
Thats it for Friday Afternoon Videos, I'm your host Tommy saying have a great weekend!

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Ballad of Fucktard and Fuckmuffin...

It all started as a harmless internet friendship…harmless but fun. You had the somewhat lost 22 year old from Miami, struggling his way through college and life, in between jobs in retail, and the sweet but at times bitchy redneck girl from a part of Illinois that he only knew existed because of the fact that the prison from Blues Brothers was there, and the nickname of John Belushi’s character was the name of the town. (Joliet btw, and yes, it is a shitty town in the shadows of Chicago, more on that later.)

Little did either know that night that a friendship would begin that would show how a male-female friendship should be done. She could take a joke like one of the guys, and had no problems farting like them; he was a sensitive guy, maybe a bit too sensitive. In a way it would make sense that they would give dating a try. Twice. The first time was about a month after they met. (Let the record show that she asked him out!) They stopped that first time, and saw each of them deal with boyfriends/girlfriends that both were too good for. He dated another redneck, a crazy one, one that to this day he still can’t quite figure out, she dated a Mexican who should be deported because he does nothing but reinforce every negative stereotype Americans have of Mexicans. He moved on to one of his sister’s friends, who had a very questionable sexual past (they still talk though), she moved onto reconnecting to an ex with an anger problem. None of those worked, but they had each other, to bitch and complain about the relationships with.

Of course, she knew a girl, and actually was kind of in a relationship with this girl (they were bi, and in her defense, they did nothing). This girl would come to you with a smile, but no one knew that she had a knife ready for when you turned around. She had the name of this guy’s favorite 311 song, and an ex girlfriend of his who’s highlight in life would be sleeping with his roommate, NASCAR’S token future Hispanic guy used to bring in the Hispanic audience and nothing more because he’s stuck on Dale Jr.’s former team. This girl had a sister, who for the life of me never seemed to have a job, which is normal when you’re married, in your mid 20’s with three kids with 2 different guys, and she was married to one who really didn’t make all that much.

As their friendship continued to build, the hypochondriac sisters (we’ll refer to them as this from now on, they always seemed to have some sort of malady, I’m waiting for the text that says “Tommy we have swine flu”) seemed to try to get friendly with the guy. Sadly the guy didn’t know their intentions. One seemed to be in love with him, and the other always wanted to talk about how much she masturbated. Believe me, if I told you how weird this family could possibly be, you’d compliment me on how great of a writer I was. For one, they married 2 guys who were brothers of each other! WTF?! Well, while the dude was cool with talking to them, he had no idea that a trip to see his best friend would go wrong.

The guy and the girl hung out on July 31st, 2007. They drove around that shithole town together (seriously, it was like the worst of Hialeah and the best of Homestead. They’re not exactly printing out brochures that tell you to come to Joliet, all they got there is the race, which is fine if you’re into NASCAR. The only thing there other than this girl I was interested in was the casino, and I didn’t go there. Alas, next trip to the Chicagoland area, John and I aka 2big2fail sports team are going to OWN Harrah’s Joliet! And I can only hope the hypochondriac sisters are there to play at the table, they’re terrible liars.) They ate lunch together, had a good time.
But then came Friday, and the girl didn’t show up. She claims she had to work and wasn’t feeling well. Now the guy was an idiot, and called one of the hypochondriac sisters (the older one, the one you’ve probably seen on Maury last week. Steve, you ARE NOT the Father!) And asked her to find out the truth. She called back two minutes later saying that she texted her and when she got a reply back, she said that she texted her back and told her that she didn’t want to hang out with me because I was “boring and gay” and she didn’t feel an attraction to be my boyfriend. Out of all of those, I could take the last one, but the first two? Well this guy was so devastated that he vowed to not talk to this girl again.

They still talked from time to time, but every time their friendship seem to go back to normal, one of the hypochondriac sisters seemed to bring it down by telling another lie to this guy, lie after lie, how bout about the time she laid on the bed to try and seduce a guy, all while wearing a mini-skirt and no panties and asking “you like what you see” or about how she wanted to cheat on her boyfriend. Various lies. The two then fought for real, chose not to speak again, and be done with it, right?
Well, then the younger hypochondriac sister decided to mention this girl every day, with another story. Apparently this girl stole the identity of the hypo sisters (I’m tired of typing hypochondriac) and was even caught using an ATM card that was in their name. Everything seemed to be about how terrible this girl was, and how great they were.

Well the guy thought he could trust the hypo sisters, turned out he was wrong. First they started to get him to turn against another good friend of his (whom he was trying to date at the time and is another story for another time, more like a novel, I digress). By then, he had enough. He finally found out the truth, the older hypo sister made up the whole boring/gay thing because she was upset that this guy had the sense to turn her sexual advances down. (She was married, and not all that attractive.) While the other one wanted so very bad to be with him that she almost ruined her marriage and possibly (not saying for sure but wouldn’t be too surprised if that had something to do with it) a relationship the guy wanted with someone special to him to do it

Well, as you can guess, I’m the guy, and one Miss Elizabeth Gable is the girl. I’m fucktard, she’s fuckmuffin. (Don’t ask about the nicknames.) The hypo sisters will remain nameless to protect their ignorance, but if they’re reading this, they know who they are. (Diana knows who they are too sadly, and btw Diana, I’m sorry for bringing the younger hypo sister into your life) Earlier this month, the two reconnected as friends, and wouldn’t you know, it was like old times, only we were both older and wiser. I’m not longer struggling with college and jobs, she’s got her life together as well and has her goals, and damn it, she’s going to accomplish them. We still make fun of each other, we still joke about each other, and whichever significant others come into our lives. We give each other advice about relationships, and commiserate to each other about relationships that failed. We’re huge Cubs fans, and we get happy together (not in that way pervs!) when they win, and bitch about how they suck when they lose. Its everything that made us a great friendship and great tag team, all that’s missing right now are the two negative factors that tried to end it, and thank God! So I just want to say this: Liz, I’m sorry for the past two years of buying into bullshit, I’m glad you forgave me. God bless you, you may be a sarcastic, caustic little bitch, but Goddammit, you’re my sarcastic caustic little bitch. Love you lots my fucktard. Hopefully we’ll have that giant October hug this year where we’re both at Wrigley celebrating that Cubs World Series, because, It’s Gonna Happen!

And to the hypo sisters: raise your fucking kids! I felt like I was long-distance raising the younger one’s kids, while I’m sure Liz was pretty much the mother the older one’s kids wish they had. Raise your fucking kids and stop fucking with people’s lives, because in all honesty, it’s not because of bad luck, no two people have as much bad luck as you, you two are in the situation you two are in because of your own games and bullshit. Older hypo sister, stop cheating on your husband, younger hypo sister, learn that an open relationship, especially one that’s a marriage, is like being in a relationship in “EFF YOU!” mode, it doesn’t work! Thank you!
Sometimes there are things I want to write about, but don’t feel are worth a whole blog post, more like a paragraph, or sentence. So I took a page from Bill Simmons of and started writing tangents, and nothing but tangents. These have no flow, they’re the equivalent of the sample appetizer at chili’s, a little bit of mozzarella sticks, a little bit of chicken tenders, something for everyone, so without further adieu…

Thoughts while wondering whatever happened to Harold Miner…

Signs you know your baseball team isn’t going to the playoffs: they’re manager shows up late to games and doesn’t wear pants, they look like rejects from the Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue, they’re trying to trade their best player, and last but not least, they’re the New York Mets!

I wish I could bet on things, like The Toronto Raptors will regret not taking the Heat’s Beasley for Bosh trade.

Music is life, music makes me happy, makes you dance, sing, laugh, and cry. Music can also drive you crazy, which can be the only thing that explains the Lady Gaga era.

I’m done with hip hop, I’m sorry. Ten years ago was the second golden age. We had Jay-Z, DMX, Red and Meth in their prime, Eminem was on the cusp, Dre had just dropped 2001, and Lil Wayne was just something to listen to when you wanted to party, nothing more, and nothing less. Now, the best rapper is Lil Wayne, and the best up and coming rapper is a guy who’s famous for getting shot in a Canadian teen soap opera. Other than Eminem’s new album, or any new album by someone old school, that’s it, I’m done! How hard can it be to find dope new rappers? Did people stop freestyling on street corners in Brooklyn and the Bronx? Did Compton clean up its act? Did they stop drinking syrup in Texas? Did Mayor Richard Daley pass a law that says that Kanye and Common are the only rappers from Chicago that can blow up and force Kanye to give up rap to use Auto-Tune? This is pissing me off, I can’t take it. I blame 50 Cent for this!

Someone is following my twitter (@tommygalicia) who goes by the name Lauren Galicia…I’d love to meet her brothers Tomas and Hektor, her sister Lizzette, her parents Robert and Marta, and her boyfriend Stephen.

And, she’s hott! Too bad there’s no effing way I’d date her that would just be awkward!

Saw a guy wearing a t-shirt that said: “I’d rather be snorting cocaine off a hooker’s ass!” I’m happy that my ex Amanda found someone, she deserves it!

How hard is it to get a driver’s license in Miami now a days? When I did it I had to study for a written exam, then practice. Now it seems like they get issued to you the second you get off the banana boat. What gives?

You know you’re on a bad first date when a girl starts to discuss wedding plans, or you’re dating a fire-crotch I know

Speaking of fire-crotches, rumor has it that Lindsay Lohan turned down the role of the stripper in “The Hangover” which is only the biggest comedy of the summer. Her reason was she didn’t think the film would do well at the Box Office. So she did what any other sane actor in Hollywood would do and went and made a straight to DVD release. Now first off, when you’re Lindsay Lohan in 2008 (when she was offered the script) I’m sure you know that prime roles aren’t exactly coming your way. You peaked with Mean Girls at the age of 18, not because of your talent, but because of everything crazy that happened. Considering that The Hangover was made by the director of “Old School” you might as well give it a shot right? What’s the worst that can happen? The film bombs it won’t be because of you because you’re not the star, and your situation doesn’t change. The film does well though, and people start to think “Hey, Lindsay Lohan is back! Maybe if she can stay clean we should give her another shot!” It would’ve been the greatest comeback since Robert Downey Jr.
Besides, it’s not like Lindsay is getting any of the roles we all thought she’d be getting at the time. (Not when there’s two Jessica’s, Scarlett Johansson, Megan Fox and the like) She can’t afford to be picky at this point in her career. She turned down a film that became the biggest comedy of the summer, to make a straight to DVD flick, and it will only get worse, next stop: Cinemax late night! I know that seems funny, but honestly, I find it to be a sad ending to someone whom I thought was going to be the next Angelina Jolie. Hopefully there’s still time, but right now, I don’t know.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Its 2009, not 1999!

Allen Iverson is one of the best players I’ve ever seen. He’s a former number one pick, 2000-01 NBA MVP, he single-handedly led a Sixers team that had no business being even a playoff team to the NBA Finals and actually stole a game from the dominant Shaq-Kobe led Lakers. He’s a warrior, he gives it his all every day, and when all is said and done, will be one of the 50 best players in NBA history.

I don’t want the Miami Heat to sign him though.

The prevalent rumor going around town is that Iverson is the Heat’s big free agent target this year. In an effort to keep Dwyane Wade beyond this season, the Heat wants to make a big splash and be a contender. Wade in fact is the one spear-heading the Iverson to Miami talks, and is begging Riley to make a move and sign the ten time all-star.

On paper, the heat signing Iverson is great, but basketball games aren’t played on paper, they’re played on the court, and that’s where Iverson could be a problem. I have no doubt that he still has game despite being 34 (only five years younger than Coach Erick Spolestra) but Iverson has always been somewhat of a ball-hog. He’s not a natural point guard, he’s a 2. Wade is a 2. Obviously they’re not going to put Wade on the bench, which means Chalmers will lose minutes. While I wouldn’t have a problem with Chalmers losing some minutes so that he wouldn’t have as much pressure to develop into the point guard we know he could be Iverson wouldn’t be the right guy for him to lose minutes to. (I’d much rather the Heat had decided to keep J-Will last season.)

The other key question is, how much will this cost? I’m sure Iverson won’t sign for super star bucks. While his name is still a star name, and he is a future hall of famer (yes, he is, I don’t care what you say, he’s headed to Springfield five years after he retires, ring or no ring), Iverson still would cost more than he’s worth. Now the deal the heat are preparing to offer him isn’t one that will screw them up for next year’s plans to sign Bosh, hell I’m sure it’s probably a one or two year deal at the most. But to me, I don’t see where it would improve the team right now.

Facts are Orlando and Cleveland actually got worse. The moves look like they got better because they got big name players, but they got worse in the sense that they acquired two of the biggest chemistry killers in the NBA. Orlando traded a future swing man who can take pressure off of Dwight Howard in exchange for another shooter who’s past his prime. The Cavs didn’t give up much for Shaq, but I’m telling you, LeBron and Shaq will not work. This leaves Boston, who made a signing that can improve chemistry (Rasheed) as the team to beat in the East. The Heat could’ve improved based off of the development of the youngsters on the team. It would be smarter to wait till 2010 for Chris Bosh because then, they shoot to the top of the east. (LeBron’s not staying in Cleveland, and this is the Celtic’s last real shot) Iverson maybe takes a 43-39 number five seed that loses a first round series in seven games and makes them a 45-37 number five seed that loses a second round series in five games. That’s not much of an improvement there, and not a move to the upper echelon of the NBA.

Best thing to wait. The Iverson signing will only bring a name and sedate Wade, but it won’t improve the team like he hopes it will. It won’t make the team better, and could make it worse. They’ll be fine without Iverson for this year, and Wade has to be convinced with that because, for some reason he doesn’t see it. So to Pat Riley, go with your gut, don’t sign Iverson, wait for Bosh.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

"Eff You!" Mode Throughout History

“Does ‘EFF YOU!’ mode work in sports, pop culture, or politics?”

That’s a good question for me to tackle. My cousin posed this question to me after reading the first and only draft of my last blog post. So I decided to spend today pondering this question. After all, who would know sports better than me? Who would know “EFF YOU!” mode better than me? Put them together, and you got a cheapo blog I can post. Add pop culture and politics, two other things I know, and you’ll have something that you’re better off just printing out and reading the next time you gotta poop.
Yesterday, I described “EFF YOU!” mode in my blog, but I don’t think I really elaborated on it enough. In case you didn’t read it, here’s what I described it as:

Now, “EFF YOU!” mode is a magical place when you’re competing for something. I do my best writing in “EFF YOU!” mode, I’ve been in “EFF YOU!” mode for the last month, and couldn’t have been more creative, our last podcast was probably our best one yet! Don’t underestimate the power of “EFF YOU!” mode.

Of course, it’s not always a competition thing, just; “EFF YOU!” mode can help out in competition. My example was mostly about creativity. If you want a writer to stay in writer’s block mode, don’t ever put him in “EFF YOU!” mode, you’ll just spark his creativity more. It works not only in writing, but in sports, song writing, just about anything EXCEPT relationships, which need love, trust, and mutual respect, three things that are extremely incompatible with “EFF YOU!” mode.

To explain it, I put together a list of incidents in history sparked by putting someone in “EFF YOU!” mode. They range from sports, to pop culture, to history. I know I’m going to leave out some examples, but these could appeal to everyone, and you might even learn a thing or two about history.


Subjects: Kobe Bryant vs. Shaquille O’Neal

Story: The two superstars landed in Los Angeles at the same time, and since then, they’ve won championships together, but also apart from each other. Both of them have put each other in “EFF YOU!” mode for the last 14 years.

Incident where Kobe put Shaq in “EFF YOU!” mode: Kobe tells the Lakers he won’t resign unless they trade Shaq. Shaq gets dealt to the Heat.

Result: Thanks to riding the backs of Wade, Zo, and everyone else on the team with the exception of Dorell Wright, Shaq wins title number four in 2006.

Incident where Shaq put Kobe in “EFF YOU!” mode: after the Lakers lose to the Celtics in six in the 2008 NBA Finals, Shaq is at a club freestyling, where he drops the infamous “Kobe, tell me how my ass tastes” line.

Result: Probably the most impressive twelve months of basketball since 1992: A gold medal, splitting the NBA All-Star game MVP (ironically with Shaq) that might or might not have been fixed by NBA commissioner Vincent Kennedy McMahon, and an NBA title and first NBA Finals MVP.

Final result: We’ll know next year, but my prediction: Kobe is more likely to go back to the finals than Shaq, so, hey Shaq, tell me how Kobe’s ass tastes?

Subjects: Michael Jordan and his high school basketball team.

Incident: Michael Jordan is cut from the team.

Result: Only the greatest basketball career of all time.

Subjects: Dan Marino and the NFL; specifically the AFC East.

Incident: Marino drops down to the 27th pick in the NFL Draft.

The 1983 NFL Draft was known as the quarterback draft. Elway, Kelly, Marino, Ken O’Brien, Todd Blackledge, and Tony Eason were all first round picks. While Elway was chosen number one by the Baltimore Colts (then threatened to sign with the New York Yankees if they didn’t trade him, which possibly could be the reason why the Colts play in Indianapolis and the Browns moved to Baltimore) due to him being the best overall quarterback in the class, Marino was passed up by the other teams who needed a quarterback.

The Chiefs chose Blackledge over Marino with the number seven pick, but where it really gets interesting was the fact that three AFC East teams: The New York Jets, Buffalo Bills, and New England Patriots, as well as Marino’s hometown team the Pittsburgh Steelers (who were in need of a successor to Terry Bradshaw) skipped over the Pitt star due to a variety of issues that had nothing to do with his talent. (While Elway was considered the better overall quarterback in the draft, Marino was considered to have the best arm.)

The Buffalo Bills chose Jim Kelly with the number 14 pick, which was controversial because he had already signed a deal to play in the new United States Football League and might not have played in the NFL had the league not gone under three years later. History did vindicate the Kelly choice though thanks to four straight AFC Championships. (No Super Bowl wins though…NORWOOD! NORWOOD! NORWOOD!)

The Patriots were next, and instead went with Tony Eason out of the University of Illinois. He’ll be remembered best for shitting bricks during Super Bowl XX against the Bears. (Patriots fans, you pieces of cheating Tom Brady loving scum, I’m well aware that you defeated the Dolphins in the AFC Championship game that year to get to the Super Bowl, but just remember, A. you got very lucky that game, Don Shula teams never have five turnover games, especially in a playoff game at the old Orange Bowl B. the Jets and the Raiders, the teams that you beat to get to the Dolphins, should’ve beaten you to begin with. The point I’m trying to make with that is, earlier in that season, only one team beat the Bears, and that was the Dolphins. And they didn’t just beat the Bears, they destroyed them. Shula and his coaching staff figured out a game plan for beating the gimmicky 46 defense and used it, and Marino remember was the best young QB in the NFL and had came off an MVP season. Now I’m not saying the Dolphins would’ve won the game, I’m just saying it would’ve been a better game, and no, Marino would not have been shitting bricks and running away from the Bears, he would’ve told them “Bring it on bitches!”)

Then The New York Jets had the number 24 pick. Despite their fans clamoring for Marino (and the fact that an Italian quarterback would’ve been the perfect face of the franchise for marketing purposes, kind of like how they want to use Mark Sanchez to reach out to the Hispanic community in New York now) the Jets instead choose Ken O’Brien. Not a bad career, he killed the Dolphins a few times, but, between O’Brien and Marino, who would you have chosen? Exactly!

Results: For the next 17 years, Marino set record after record (since broken by John Madden’s life partner because he doesn’t know when to quit) all the while compiling a 147-93 record, the 1984 MVP, nine pro bowl appearances, eight playoff appearances, five division titles, and an AFC Championship. (Which for the record, would’ve been more of each and a Super Bowl title had it not been for a few factors: Shula’s failure to find a suitable running back to carry the load late in games and close them out, Tom Ollivadotti’s inability to coach defense despite having Brian Cox, Troy Vincent, and John “bagel boy” Offerdahl in their primes, Jimmy Johnson choosing to fire Gary Stevens as Offensive Coordinator despite the fact that the Dolphins had a top-10 offense every year he was Offensive Coordinator, and of course the immortal Pete Stoyanovich)

Final Result: As for the teams that passed him up? Well during his career, only the Buffalo Bills and Denver Broncos (who traded for Elway so really they don’t count as much as the AFC East teams do) could really look at what they did and feel comfortable with that decision. Hell, I would too and I love the guy. The Jets though? Well they had their shootouts against the Dolphins, even kept them out of the playoffs in 1991 (my second real heartbreaking experience with the phins), but name me one Jets fan who would’ve chosen O’Brien over Marino if they had to do it all over again? And as for the Patriots, despite their recent success (all of it after Dan the man retired by the way), remember that they were once the laughing stock of the NFL, and odds are, Dan Marino would’ve changed that.

Sports Entertainment (a.k.a. Pro Wrestling)

Subjects: Stone Cold Steve Austin, WCW (mainly Eric Bischoff)

Incident: Steve Austin, then known as “Stunning Steve” Austin is fired from WCW while injured.

Some things are just bad ideas, and sometimes when you do things that affect other people’s lives, you can handle it in the lowest of ways. Eric Bischoff was known for both. After injuring his arm on a tour of Japan, Steve Austin was fired by Eric Bischoff because he was deemed “unmarketable.” Now this wasn’t Austin’s fault: WCW really messed with him and never gave him the right push. He and the late great “Flyin’ Brian” Pillman made up the Hollywood Blonds, my favorite tag team as a kid. (Them and Sting were the only reason I watched WCW, I was and always will be a WWF-er, WWE guy) Instead of giving that tag team the right push and putting the belts on them for a couple of years before breaking them up, they broke the team up after only six months, then never gave either of them the right push. (Pillman gets credit for creating the loose cannon gimmick, which couldn’t be ignored because of its genius, and is probably the best gimmick I’ve ever seen to this day. It was so good that he tricked Bischoff into really firing him so he could go to WWF!)

So of course, if you’re not going to give someone a good push, they’re going to be unmarketable. There are about 20-25 wrestlers better than John Cena in WWE right now, but he’s the most popular. Why? Because he gets the push.

After this, Austin goes to ECW as he recovers, then signs with WWF and takes on the Ringmaster gimmick. Then he changes his gimmick up, and becomes the beer drinking ass kicking Texas Rattlesnake Stone Cold. However during this time at WCW, they’re destroying the WWF in ratings.

Result: Thanks to Austin getting the push by pretty much showing that he can’t be ignored, Austin becomes the biggest and most marketable star in the WWF, and is probably more popular than Hulk Hogan. (Note to the Hulkster: you see what Stone Cold did? He retired, yes he makes some appearances, but for the most part, he’s out of the limelight, just living his life, not pimping his kids out, no cheesy reality shows, just living his life. Take note and use that as an example for the rest of your life!) Not bad for someone who was once fired for being “unmarketable.”

Final Result: Stone Cold a first ballot hall of famer, considered by many to be the greatest wrestler of the 90’s, and also considered by some to be the best WWF/E Champion of all time. Mainly because of him (as well as The Rock), Raw ends up beating Nitro in the ratings on a consistent basis, sells more tickets, pay-per-views, officially licensed dildos etc. than WCW to the point that after the Time Warner-AOL merger the decision is made to sell WCW to Vince McMahon himself. (This could also double as putting McMahon in “EFF YOU!” mode, but I can’t because he’s always in that mode.)


Subjects: Dr. Dre, Eazy-E, Jerry Heller

Incident: Dr. Dre asks for more money from Ruthless Records for being N.W.A.’s main producer, but is turned down by Jerry Heller.

Results: Dre ends up meeting Suge Knight, starting Death Row Records, signs Snoop Dogg, produces The Chronic Album, including the song “Fuckin With Dre Day (and everybody celebrating)” Eazy responds with “Real Muhfuckin G’s.”

Final Result: Sadly there could be no N.W.A. reunion, Eazy-E passed away in 1995, but had he still been alive he would’ve continued to be a force in Hip-Hop. (Discovered Bone Thugs and Harmony, then the Black Eyed Peas). Dre however is still one of the most respected men in Hip Hop, and has double respect from me because he’s had yet to work with Lil’ Wayne or Drake. (Awaiting the hate mail from Lil’ Wayne and Drake fans. Come on Drake fans, its ok, we all know where he got his start. Try and tell me he’s the best rapper out there today.)

Subjects: Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake

Incident: Britney cheats on Justin Timberlake.

Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake were once America’s couple. They were young, the two hottest artists in music, and were a couple. Then Justin caught Britney cheating on him. Then came the classic album Justified, featuring “Cry Me a River.”
Result: “Cry Me a River” becomes a smash hit, Justin goes from Superstar to Super Duper Star, Britney marries K-Fed and goes crazy, shows her vag to the world.

I mean, ouch! Moral of the story: don’t screw someone you love over (The fastest way to initiate “EFF YOU!” Mode)

Final Result: While I know it’s still early and all, um, Justin is DOMINATING! He’s a worldwide icon, can sleep with whomever he wants whenever he wants, (ladies don’t act like you’ll say no if Justin comes up to you and says “hey mami, you, me, backseat, now, let’s go!”) is probably the successor to Michael Jackson in the most entertaining performer category, brought Sexy Back (here’s where it went, Britney took it away) and is also Steve Martin’s successor as go-to SNL host every season. Britney meanwhile shocks me whenever I wake up and realize that she’s still alive, but is getting her act together. She might still have a successful career, but she’ll never approach her 1999-2002 apex. And by the way, as for Britney vs. Christina, Christina won that one too!


Subjects: Former President George W. Bush, Former President George H.W. Bush, Former Texas Governor Ann Richards.

Incident: At the 1988 Democratic National Convention, Then-Texas Governor remarked about then Vice President George H.W. Bush (The Republican Presidential Candidate that year) “Poor George, he can’t help it, he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.” This was an attack on the Senior Bush’s upbringing as a Connecticut blue blood that had gone to Yale University.

Result: Six years later, Richards went up for re-election, facing Bush’s son George W. Richards was the favorite over Dubya due to her experience in politics as she was the incumbent as well as a former state treasurer, plus her campaign outspent his by nearly 23%. However, Richards decided to play defense instead of offense and wait for George W. to make a mistake (based off of the last decade was usually as much of a sure thing as the sun rising) however while Bush’s campaign was solid and had few flaws, she made a huge mistake, calling him “some jerk.”

1994 Texas Gubernatorial Election Results…
Gov. Ann Richards (incumbent-D) 46%
George W. Bush (R) 53%

Final Result: Well, Bush served six years as Texas Governor before becoming President of the United States, Richards might have lost but was still well respected by Democrats both in and out of the State of Texas. As for any cracks about how “EFF YOU!” mode brought us into the mess we’re in now, you’re not going to get that here, sorry. Besides, even if Bush lost that election, there’s no guarantee that he wouldn’t have become President, so I really can’t say that he became President based off of “EFF YOU!” mode. In fact, you could even make the case that Richard’s remarks at the DNC in 88 and the 94 gubernatorial election had nothing to do with one another, but you have to admit there was some type of synergy between the two. It would be like if I called Obama out on many of the things he’s done wrong today, then 30 years from now Sasha Obama beats me in the Illinois Senatorial election.

Well those are some examples, if you have more, even from your own life, post them. Tomorrow I’ll continue this series on “EFF YOU!” mode. But until then, peace!

Being A Cubs Fan...

Hello, my name is Thomas Galicia, and I’m a Chicago Cubs fan.

It all started when I was a baby. It was 1984 (I was born in 1983) and the Cubs were enjoying their best season since 1969. My father was raised in Chicago and fell in love with the team at a young age. My mom had moved around but ended up moving with my dad to Chicago in the mid 70s when he attended college, and she got sucked into the bug too. That I was born a year before what would be the Cubs best season was either a good omen or a bad omen.

In 1984, the Cubs won the National League East with an impressive 96-65 record. Even more impressive was on their heels were the up and coming New York Cocaine is a hell of drug Mets led by phenom Doc Gooden, the always tough St. Louis Cardinals, and defending NL Champion Philadelphia Phillies. The team was led by MVP second baseman Ryne Sandberg and mid-season acquisition and Cy Young winner Rick Sutcliffe. They lead the National League in Runs scored and were second in attendance, a feat that the Florida Marlins will never, ever achieve.

Everything seemed to be going right for the Cubs that year, but of course, they’re the Cubs.
When Leon Durham failed to field that groundball in the NLCS against the Padres, I cried. Hell, if there was a doody in my diaper or I was hungry I would’ve cried even if the Cubs won because, I was barely a year old. But from that moment, I was hooked. I was always watching games with my dad, and they were always on because Miami didn’t have a baseball team, our cable company piped in WGN, and games that usually weren’t on WGN were on NBC. However after 1984, they wouldn’t regain the magic touch they had that year. No playoff appearances until 1989.

After losing in five in 1989, it would be almost a full decade until the Cubs got back to the Promised Land. In between that time, we saw the best pitcher in baseball leave the Cubs for Atlanta because the Cubs didn’t even offer him a contract (because trying to keep a Cy Young winning pitcher in his prime and building your team around him is never a good decision), a strike that cancelled the World Series, four baseball teams added in Denver (the Rockies), Phoenix (Diamondbacks), St. Petersburg (Tampa Bay Rays), and of course my hometown of Miami (Marlins, and yes I know, each team has reached the World Series while the Cubs haven’t), the rise and fall of Canseco, the end of the concrete ashtray stadium era thanks to Camden Yards in Baltimore, and of course, about ten billion Tony LaRussa pitching changes.
During that time, I also kind of committed a crime. After seeing on opening day 1997 that the Marlins had a shot at winning the World Series while the Cubs had a shot of starring in Bad News Bears, All Grown Up, I latched onto the Marlins that year. Yes, Tommy became a bandwagoner. Thankfully God works in mysterious ways, like having the first ever dismantling of a World Champion the same year that one Kerry Wood came into my life.

You really had to be there to appreciate 1998 Kerry Wood. The 20 year old fireball throwing Texan was just bigger than life. Nothing intimidated this guy, he not only threw fast, but he had balls too. On top of that, he carried himself with more swag than any Cubs pitcher had in my lifetime. (Maddox was more methodical, nothing really much in the swag department.) I still remember where I was and what I was doing when Woody struck out 20 Astros, just an incredible afternoon.

Then came June, and Sosa hit 20 home runs in one month. Now I know steroids played a huge part in it, but please remember he wasn’t the only one using, and there were pitchers using too. Sosa competed with McGwire for the Home Run crown, the Cubs were in contention, and just like that, the franchise was hooked to the juvenation machine. It ended with a tie breaker against Barry and the Giants (managed by Dusty, more on him later) where we defeated them and went to the post season to take on the Atlanta Braves. Yes we were swept, and yes we ended up sucking for another five years, but I was hooked.

Of course, that would be 2003, which everyone blamed Bartman for. I can’t blame Bartman for that, I refuse to. Reality is Dusty should’ve pulled Prior before that inning began. He just didn’t have anything on his fastball, and his breaking ball wasn’t breaking. He became easier than Amber and Tiffany, and everyone would have their turn. Bartman just gets the blame because, well, I’ve realized why the Cubs really haven’t won anything in over 100 years.

This curse is used as a crutch, a marketing tool, and a way to cover up incompetence. Fact is, you don’t win a World Series by signing people like Milton Bradley to $10 Million a year contracts, you don’t win a World Series by putting together teams with no semblance of chemistry, and you sure as hell don’t win a World Series by having players on the team that don’t seem to have an “EFF YOU!” mode. The 2004 Red Sox had that mode, and used it, and that’s why the Red Sox went from being a tortured, cursed team into being the team of the decade, and the team that I’d most want the Cubs to play if we make it to the World Series this year. (Ok I’ve wanted the Red Sox since I was a kid, but even more so this year because of everything that’s happened since 2004, and so that Albie and I can have a reason to talk shit to each other and make stupid bets that involve drinking.)

The curse sells t-shirts, making a cottage industry around Wrigley that stimulates the economy better than any stimulus package, but most importantly, it takes the responsibility off the people who are in charge. Truth is the law of averages dictates that no team should go 100 years without a world title, curse or no curse. But with bad management, That’s different. Trading Lou Brock was a historically dumb idea. Letting go of Maddox after his first Cy Young season was a stupid decision. Not trading Sosa in 2000 when the Cubs were hopelessly out of it and the whole steroid thing hadn’t happened yet for prospects that would still be helping out was stupid. Signing Milton Bradley was stupid. Trading DeRosa was stupid. Not trading Derrick Lee is so stupid that when the Cubs come down here I might bring a shit sandwich to his hotel room. I could go on and on.

At the beginning of this decade, I was so sure we’d have at least one World Series appearance. There’s still time, we’re only two games back, there’s still hope, and that’s why I still cheer for the Cubs. I’m a hopeless romantic, when I want something really bad, even if it seems like there’s no hope, I’ll still hold on to some. Some years its better than others. If they do terrible, then when Training Camp starts I’ll pour myself into the Dolphins (another hopeless case for another time). But only once in the last ten years have they been terrible (2006, Dusty’s final season). Will they win it all this year? Well, I’ll tell you next week when I do my all-star break predictions. But the fact is, part of being a Cubs fan, it’s like being a Dolphins fan, or some other aspects of my life, I just got to hold on to hope, and it will happen…am I right?