Saturday, August 27, 2011

Why Couldn't This Have Been Invented When I was Growing Up?

Ah Children. I don't have them.

Its on purpose of course, I'm the type of person who doesn't want to cross that bridge until I feel I'm ready, so I've done everything except one thing (and I'm blessed that I've never been in a situation to do that one thing) to ensure that I wouldn't become a daddy until I'm ready.

But now that I feel that I've found the love of my life, well, I'm thinking it might be time.

No not now, we're not even really ready for marriage yet (I'm pretty traditional with that stuff), but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to have a child.

Of course one problem with having a child is not being able to share your music with them until their older. Even then I know that my children will call me old for listening to Kanye West, Eminem and other artists of all genres that I grew up with (if that happens I'm a failure as a parent, it will be my mission that three things happen with my kids: 1. That they're safe and provided for, 2. if I have a daughter I'll do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't become a stripper and with a son I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that he doesn't become one of those weird dudes that goes to Strip Clubs on Tuesday afternoons, and 3. That they don't listen to shitty music) but then, I find this:

Yup, all of your favorite songs in lullaby form!

Thankfully, there's no reggeaton. I don't think that could translate to lullabies. Thankfully no Miguel either.

But instead we get some of the best bands from the last 50 years.

You want your child to be raised on The Beatles? They got that!

You more of a Stones fan? Look no further!

Aerosmith? He or She will be "Cryin" for this one!

From Led Zepplin to AC/DC, you can soothe your little bundle of joy to sleep with the soothing melodies of Classic Rock and even more current artists such as Coldplay and Queens of the Stone Age.

I just have a feeling that between me and Sara (assuming she's the one, which I believe she is) have a child together, Pearl Jam will become the choice.

But what about some of the ones I didn't mention? Like Nine Inch Nails. Yeah, they have Closer. Oh you want a listen? Here.

Yikes! That song? Of all songs? Don't get me wrong, I love the actual song, but as a lullaby? Listen to the actual song, yeah, kind of awkward.

Of course they also have lullabies that make sure your child becomes a self-centered, egotistical jerk. Granted with some parents they're already well on their way to doing that anyways but I doubt this helps.

Now its not bad, just, you'll hear this once your child is old enough to have a vocabulary.

"Mommy, Mommy, ay yo mommy hold up! I'm really happy for you and imma let you finish, but I just took the greatest doody of all time! OF ALL TIME!"

Then there's, um, this.

Yes, this is what you want your child to fall asleep to. What's the original song about again?

Oh right.

Actually, I think Metallica is my choice now. If my child can fall asleep to that, then for sure they won't be the little softies you see now a days.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Tommy's Musical Rant

I love music. But I love good music.

The following blog isn't about good music.

Now I'm not going to focus on the Rebecca Black's or the Justin Biebers or the people who aren't musicians who try to be (looking at you Shaq.) No, I'm focusing on popular music that's terrible.

Where should I start?

Well I'll start with great comedian and prophet Bill Hicks. This routine of his explains why music for the most part, sucks.

Now we can all agree that drugs are bad, mmkay? (That's another blog by the way.) But its true, mediocrity and banality are not good examples for the children either. To quote Mr. Hicks, we want musicians who play from their f**king heart!

But mediocrity and banality sells, like this steaming pile of dog turds.

Ok, can you even dance to this? Can you drive to this? What can you do to this song? And did you see those simpleton lyrics? Guy just names things that go together. All that was missing was "you can be peanut butter, and I'm your jelly baby; and I'm the bacon baby you're the eggs, oooh."

Bad lyrics, a beat that you can't do anything to, this song is nothing more than just a sheer example of lyrical stupidity that only stupid people seem to like.

Based off the charts, this world is full of stupid people. Stupid people that don't know what they want, so don't get what they want. Isn't that right British not the father of Michael Jackson Joe Jackson?

Now for the next song. This is supposed to be party music, yet much like the other song above by Miguel, I can't dance to this. Of course, earlier this summer I received the fantastic news that they broke up, however that only means more sample-heavy productions from Will.I.Am and more Fergie. Here's the Black Eyed Peas.

OWWW!!!! I have a headache! And the fact that this song is more than six minutes long? YEESH! See, modern party music doesn't just have to be a seizure-causing beat and simpleton lyrics. It can be done right even in 2011, right Cee-Lo?

Now THIS is something you can jam to. Yeah, the lyrics are simple, but they're sung well, the song is well produced, and its not too long. This is what a Summer pop hit should sound like. You would think more people would try to emulate Cee-Lo's success and be good. But oh no, good doesn't always sell. Instead we get this.

Ahh...I actually like Bruno Mars, but anyone can write crap. At least he's honest though. He said he didn't feel like doing anything, and apparently writing a song was one of those anythings he didn't feel like writing. Hey, I can at least understand why this song is popular. He's on a run. Sometimes when musicians get on a good run its like playing poker. Anything and everything hits. So I'm not really too against this song, but lets just call it what it is, crap. I mean, all he does is name things he doesn't feel like doing!

Maybe I should summon Joe Jackson again, because I think Bruno needs to grab his lady (not the one he caught the grenade for because she wouldn't do the same for him) and step out for a bit.

Just something about this song is magical. Even the lyrics, which really aren't that great. Funny tidbit about Joe Jackson (I've been listening to him a lot lately by the way) is that his two biggest hits are probably his worst songs (yet they're still better than 99% of what we have now.) That's the music industry for you!

Finally, I have to attack this.

Whoa whoa whoa! Cat Stevens (now Yusuf Islam) wrote this song after being dumped by his girlfriend. Its beautiful, melodic, and could best be described as the breakup song that someone like me would like.

That's not a good thing.

Its pretentious, holier than thou, and actually talks down to the girl. I'm pretty sure the girl would rather he just tell her to go fuck herself and be on his way as opposed to saying:

I'll always remember you, like a child, girl.

A lyric like this I can only think of one thing to say:

Why don't you have a seat?

Sure he was 22 when he wrote the song while the girl in question was 19, but if you're looking at a woman as a child, well then you have a lot more problems than she probably has, its plain to see why she left you in the first place, and if you communicate it in a song, I think it says more about you than it does her.

Well finally, here's an old song that has been made popular again by wrestler CM Punk. He started using it as an entrance theme, and thank God, it sure as hell is better than "You Can't See Me, The Time is Now" and just flat out rocks, but also has a great message behind it, so I leave you with this, and also to link this article on facebook, follow me on twitter, take care, and spike your hair. Woo Woo Woo, you know it.