Saturday, August 27, 2011

Why Couldn't This Have Been Invented When I was Growing Up?

Ah Children. I don't have them.

Its on purpose of course, I'm the type of person who doesn't want to cross that bridge until I feel I'm ready, so I've done everything except one thing (and I'm blessed that I've never been in a situation to do that one thing) to ensure that I wouldn't become a daddy until I'm ready.

But now that I feel that I've found the love of my life, well, I'm thinking it might be time.

No not now, we're not even really ready for marriage yet (I'm pretty traditional with that stuff), but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to have a child.

Of course one problem with having a child is not being able to share your music with them until their older. Even then I know that my children will call me old for listening to Kanye West, Eminem and other artists of all genres that I grew up with (if that happens I'm a failure as a parent, it will be my mission that three things happen with my kids: 1. That they're safe and provided for, 2. if I have a daughter I'll do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't become a stripper and with a son I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that he doesn't become one of those weird dudes that goes to Strip Clubs on Tuesday afternoons, and 3. That they don't listen to shitty music) but then, I find this:

Yup, all of your favorite songs in lullaby form!

Thankfully, there's no reggeaton. I don't think that could translate to lullabies. Thankfully no Miguel either.

But instead we get some of the best bands from the last 50 years.

You want your child to be raised on The Beatles? They got that!

You more of a Stones fan? Look no further!

Aerosmith? He or She will be "Cryin" for this one!

From Led Zepplin to AC/DC, you can soothe your little bundle of joy to sleep with the soothing melodies of Classic Rock and even more current artists such as Coldplay and Queens of the Stone Age.

I just have a feeling that between me and Sara (assuming she's the one, which I believe she is) have a child together, Pearl Jam will become the choice.

But what about some of the ones I didn't mention? Like Nine Inch Nails. Yeah, they have Closer. Oh you want a listen? Here.

Yikes! That song? Of all songs? Don't get me wrong, I love the actual song, but as a lullaby? Listen to the actual song, yeah, kind of awkward.

Of course they also have lullabies that make sure your child becomes a self-centered, egotistical jerk. Granted with some parents they're already well on their way to doing that anyways but I doubt this helps.

Now its not bad, just, you'll hear this once your child is old enough to have a vocabulary.

"Mommy, Mommy, ay yo mommy hold up! I'm really happy for you and imma let you finish, but I just took the greatest doody of all time! OF ALL TIME!"

Then there's, um, this.

Yes, this is what you want your child to fall asleep to. What's the original song about again?

Oh right.

Actually, I think Metallica is my choice now. If my child can fall asleep to that, then for sure they won't be the little softies you see now a days.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Tommy's Musical Rant

I love music. But I love good music.

The following blog isn't about good music.

Now I'm not going to focus on the Rebecca Black's or the Justin Biebers or the people who aren't musicians who try to be (looking at you Shaq.) No, I'm focusing on popular music that's terrible.

Where should I start?

Well I'll start with great comedian and prophet Bill Hicks. This routine of his explains why music for the most part, sucks.

Now we can all agree that drugs are bad, mmkay? (That's another blog by the way.) But its true, mediocrity and banality are not good examples for the children either. To quote Mr. Hicks, we want musicians who play from their f**king heart!

But mediocrity and banality sells, like this steaming pile of dog turds.

Ok, can you even dance to this? Can you drive to this? What can you do to this song? And did you see those simpleton lyrics? Guy just names things that go together. All that was missing was "you can be peanut butter, and I'm your jelly baby; and I'm the bacon baby you're the eggs, oooh."

Bad lyrics, a beat that you can't do anything to, this song is nothing more than just a sheer example of lyrical stupidity that only stupid people seem to like.

Based off the charts, this world is full of stupid people. Stupid people that don't know what they want, so don't get what they want. Isn't that right British not the father of Michael Jackson Joe Jackson?

Now for the next song. This is supposed to be party music, yet much like the other song above by Miguel, I can't dance to this. Of course, earlier this summer I received the fantastic news that they broke up, however that only means more sample-heavy productions from Will.I.Am and more Fergie. Here's the Black Eyed Peas.

OWWW!!!! I have a headache! And the fact that this song is more than six minutes long? YEESH! See, modern party music doesn't just have to be a seizure-causing beat and simpleton lyrics. It can be done right even in 2011, right Cee-Lo?

Now THIS is something you can jam to. Yeah, the lyrics are simple, but they're sung well, the song is well produced, and its not too long. This is what a Summer pop hit should sound like. You would think more people would try to emulate Cee-Lo's success and be good. But oh no, good doesn't always sell. Instead we get this.

Ahh...I actually like Bruno Mars, but anyone can write crap. At least he's honest though. He said he didn't feel like doing anything, and apparently writing a song was one of those anythings he didn't feel like writing. Hey, I can at least understand why this song is popular. He's on a run. Sometimes when musicians get on a good run its like playing poker. Anything and everything hits. So I'm not really too against this song, but lets just call it what it is, crap. I mean, all he does is name things he doesn't feel like doing!

Maybe I should summon Joe Jackson again, because I think Bruno needs to grab his lady (not the one he caught the grenade for because she wouldn't do the same for him) and step out for a bit.

Just something about this song is magical. Even the lyrics, which really aren't that great. Funny tidbit about Joe Jackson (I've been listening to him a lot lately by the way) is that his two biggest hits are probably his worst songs (yet they're still better than 99% of what we have now.) That's the music industry for you!

Finally, I have to attack this.

Whoa whoa whoa! Cat Stevens (now Yusuf Islam) wrote this song after being dumped by his girlfriend. Its beautiful, melodic, and could best be described as the breakup song that someone like me would like.

That's not a good thing.

Its pretentious, holier than thou, and actually talks down to the girl. I'm pretty sure the girl would rather he just tell her to go fuck herself and be on his way as opposed to saying:

I'll always remember you, like a child, girl.

A lyric like this I can only think of one thing to say:

Why don't you have a seat?

Sure he was 22 when he wrote the song while the girl in question was 19, but if you're looking at a woman as a child, well then you have a lot more problems than she probably has, its plain to see why she left you in the first place, and if you communicate it in a song, I think it says more about you than it does her.

Well finally, here's an old song that has been made popular again by wrestler CM Punk. He started using it as an entrance theme, and thank God, it sure as hell is better than "You Can't See Me, The Time is Now" and just flat out rocks, but also has a great message behind it, so I leave you with this, and also to link this article on facebook, follow me on twitter, take care, and spike your hair. Woo Woo Woo, you know it.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Common Sense Approach To Politics (AKA How I Discovered That I'm A Libertarian.)

One of the things I've always kept close to the vest has been my political leanings.

To quote Michael Jordan, "Republicans Buy Shoes Too" and my feeling has always been that people from all across the political spectrum read my stuff, so I try to keep political matters out of it partly because I don't want to turn some people off since apparently we're in a time period where instead of seeking knowledge we'd rather find what we agree with and just nod and smile like idiots, and partly because I'll be the first to admit that I'm not the political type.

But recently I've been seeking out knowledge and have been more outspoken. Mainly when it comes to the financial side of things.

I started off with Chomsky, and found myself disagreeing with him. Heavily. Part of it is my upbringing, I'm Cuban-American. Chomsky meanwhile is the classic example of the Academic Socialist.

But the other reason I disagreed with Chomsky is that somewhere in my DNA something clicked that told me that Socialism doesn't work. It probably manifested itself at the age of six as I watched on TV with my parents as the Berlin Wall fell to the ground, followed by seeing the Soviet Union collapse on TV at the age of eight, and not knowing fully why what happened happened. Add that to the family story of why we're in the United States, then learning about both subjects through time, and I knew that Socialism and Communism didn't work.

When I was younger I'll admit, I was a bit liberal. Part of it was disapproving of the job done by George W. Bush while he was in office, yet despite agreeing with him on areas of National Defense, something in me told me that this guy didn't fit my beliefs either. Yet, neither did the Democrats.

So what the hell was I? I knew I wasn't a Tea Party person not because I disagreed with them, if anything they had great ideas on some things that I agreed with. I can't consider myself a Republican because on a lot of Social issues I identify more with the Democrats, but to me, both parties are the same.

Then I took a political test. Here are the results, in bold:

You are libertarian. You think that the government is making way too many unnecessary laws that are taking away our innate rights. You believe that the government's job is primarily to protect people from harming other people, but after that they should mind their own business, and if we give the government too much power in controlling our lives, it can lead to fascism.


The Libertarian philosophy seems to be the most common sense philosophy. As simple as possible, its live your life but don't hurt others, and be responsible for yourself and your family.

Even then I took a test to see if I was a "pure Libertarian", the answer I got was that I was a medium-core libertarian. This is mainly because I believe that the Police, Military, and Judicial system should be run by the Government, and most importantly, should be the ONLY things run by the government.

What about schools? Well, that's up to the states and the parents. If a voucher system was implemented, just imagine the problems we'd avoid. First and most importantly, all parents would have a choice, meaning the public school system would have to find ways to compete with private schools. On top of that, questions of whether to teach evolution, intelligent design, or both would be only up to the parents of the child. If they want to send their children to a school that teaches evolution, they could do that. If they'd rather send their child to a school that teaches intelligent design, they could do that too. Instead of making it a costly political battle, just leave it up to the parents. (I for one think both theories should be taught and left up to the student and parents to decide in the end. As for my feelings on this battle, that's for whenever I feel like writing about my faith.)

Now is Libertarian the perfect political philosophy? No, but its to me the most common sense approach. I do think that Government needs to be less. I do think that people need to take more responsibility for themselves. And most importantly, I do think that you as a person know better on how to live your life than someone up in Washington and Tallahassee (or Austin or Springfield or Albany, whichever is the state capital of your homes state) who has never met you before.

I encourage you all to take the test and leave your results in a comment at the bottom. Also if you're curious feel free to ask me whatever questions you'd like about Libertarianism.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

On Westboro Baptist Church, Illuminati and Conspiracy Theories

You ever put a lot of thought into something, and it just consumes you to the point where you can't think of anything else, despite the sheer stupidity behind it?

I've had that problem the last couple of weeks with two things: The Westboro Baptist Church and internet conspiracy theorists who talk about the illuminati.

Perhaps as part of my illusions of grandeur and the delusion of me being the smartest man in the world (I'm smart enough to know I'm not, which should make me the smartest man in the world) I feel like if I say something about both, all discussions will stop, Westboro Baptist Church will stop spreading their message of hate and bigotry, and people will stop believing that somehow a secret group controls everything in the world.

Yet I know thats not the case so I'll just write about it and watch the debate start.

First off, WBC. Fred Phelps, I don't know if you know this but, in that same bible you preach contains messages that God hates this and that, it also contains a message from God's son, who he sent to die on a cross for all of our sins. What does his son say?

Love thy neighbor.

See Mr. Phelps, God is merciful and loving, at least the God I saw in the New Testament (I'll admit that in the old Testament he's kind of a prick) and even loves you.

I even love you, because God tells me to love every one of his creations and sadly, you are one of his creations too.

But do you realize the pain you put onto the families of soldiers by protesting their funerals? How would you feel if one of your children passed away and a group of Athiests and Agnostics came to their funeral to protest?

I know you don't think about things like that. You just want to spread your hateful agenda. You know what, I'm ok with that. Not because I agree with you (I vehemently disagree with everything you and your hateful church stand for) but because of the first amendment. The same law that gives me the right to write this blog applies to you too. I don't have a problem with you protesting, my only wish is that you and your congregation showed more respect for mankind.

Speaking of mankind, just a quick view on YouTube will tell you that we're doomed. Apparently we're not in control of everything, instead, its the illuminati. They're responsible for 9/11, World War II, and every other terrible thing that's happened to Planet Earth.

Oh and their membership is large: to join you must sell your soul to the devil, then apparently make stupid hand motions, look, LeBron James is even a member:

ZOINKS SCOOBY! Look at that, we are doomed! The World is run by the illuminati! AHHHHHHH!!!!!! GET ME MY TIN FOIL HAT!!!

Back to reality, look at that video again. The triangle motion is for Roc-A-Fella records, which at one point was owned by Jay-Z, who himself has been accused of being a member of the illuminati and selling his soul to the devil. They claim the triangle is a sign of the devil, as is the chef's "OK" hand sign and the rock and roll hand sign that's also known as "Hook 'em Horns." LeBron does the chef's "OK" hand sign on both hands, which signifies 3-3-0, the area code for Akron, Ohio. Akron as you may know is his hometown.

I'm going to debunk every conspiracy theory known to man right here and right now, and I'm stealing from Penn and Teller to do so: Watergate.

The government couldn't even break into an office and steal a couple of files without significantly screwing that operation up. This is something that has been done before and done since without a hitch, yet the Government messed it up royally.

So how could these same people manage to fake a moon landing, blow up the WTC while blaming terrorists, and other so-called conspiracies without screwing those up? Those would be much harder to pull off than breaking into an office building and stealing a few files right?

Of course that's the reality, but these Illuminati conspiracy theorists won't consider such.

I have a couple of theories. The first one is easy and ties back to the WBC. Look at any illuminati conspiracy theory, and they claim that the illuminati controls Hollywood and the Banks. That's interesting because according to the same people, it is always the Jews who control Hollywood and the Banks. Now I'm not saying that there's an anti-semetic sentiment here, but, there's an anti-Semetic sentiment here.

Everyone has dreams and aspirations to make something of themselves. However, not everyone has the drive, work ethic, or talent to make it work. Jay-Z had to struggle to become the mogul that he is today. LeBron spent hours a day practicing in a gym since he was 8 to become the basketball player that he is today.

But some people can't accept that they don't have the talent or worse, the work ethic. People don't like being held responsible for themselves, they rely on others too much. Look how easy it is for a group at your job or at school to assess blame on each other when a project or assignment goes poorly and you'll see what I mean.

When you don't succeed, about 99% of the time its your fault. But instead of taking the responsibility and trying again like Thomas Edison, Henry Ford, and yes even Jay-Z and LeBron James have done, the majority of people just want to blame others and look for other reasons that they failed.

So in comes this illuminati talk. Its not that Jay-Z is a great rapper alone, there are so many dope rappers out there that are better than him, he had to have sold his soul to the devil to succeed. That's the logic behind such talk that ignores Jay-Z's tireless work ethic through the years.

And its not that LeBron James is a 6 ft. 8 inch 250lb genetic freak who took to basketball at a young age that helped his greatness. He had to have sold his soul to the devil. Again, this ignores the fact that he worked his @$$ off to get to where he is today.

Besides, if LeBron really sold his soul to the devil then he should be asking for a refund right about now. He sells Satan his soul and he still doesn't have a ring? WTF!

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Music Fans Have Finally Found Something They Can All Agree They Hate...

In 2004, Blender called this Starship song "We Built This City" the worst song ever. It is usually revilled whenever its heard, especially by my girlfriend Sara, who herself has claimed it to be "terrible."

Now, I love the song. Part of the charm is how bad it is. But dammit is it so catchy, and 80's, and other things I love, mainly ironic and contradictory.

The band Starship began as Jefferson Airplane, a psychedelic rock band from San Francisco formed in the late 60's. They were as anti-corporate and innovative as you could get. The irony in this song is the fact that its so corporate and non-innovative. Their follow-up to this song, also a song I like, was even worse; a love song called "Sara" and had a video that starred then Hollywood It-Girl Rebecca De Mornay as the titular Sara character. (Then again, both videos are kind of trippy: "We Built This City" features large dice bowling over people on the Vegas strip, while "Sara" seems to be more about an oncoming tornado in the Midwest than about a girl.)

What's my point? Well despite the hatred this song gets, people out there either liked or still like the song. And I know I'm not alone, I have stats to prove it: 591,000 YouTube hits, and most importantly, it was Number 1 on the Billboard charts the week of November 16-November 23, 1985.

For the most part, that describes music. Some people will love it, some will hate it. Music will never make you ambivalent, and even the truly great ones get a polarizing reaction for their music alone.

So what does it take for someone to release a song that everyone seems to agree on sucks? Honestly, I this was it.

Dear Pittsburgh...this totally wipes out any goodwill with me you built by giving us Dan Marino. That is all.

Sorry I had to go on a tangent, but, I mean do you HEAR THIS CRAP? This is why people don't like hip hop and continue to dismiss it. For every 2pac, Biggie, Bone Thugs, Jay-Z, Eazy-E, and Snoop, theres a clown like this.

If you don't "already know what it is" this is Wiz Khalifa, part of "Taylor Gang." What is this song about? Well its just about being repetitive and just saying Black and Yellow over and over again while sneaking in some trite lyrics about driving a black and yellow car, smoking weed, and making money. To me, this song is TERRIBLE, in fact, I hate Taylor Gang because of the "Taylor Gang or DIE" mentality, which has since been adopted by Los Angeles Lakers fans who scream "Team Lakers or DIE!"

So of course, this song is a hit.

No, THIS is the song that has united a country in hatred of a song.

Hold on, let me get this straight: a 23 year old can write a song that just repeats his two favorite colors over and over again, and everybody seems to love it, we've accepted the Jonas Brothers for five years (and counting), we've accepted (to a point) Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and whomever Disney feels like shoving down our throats this week, yet THIS song is the tipping point where everyone unanimously hates it? Really? What did I miss.

I'm not saying its good, its not. Its shallow, vapid manufactured pop music for the masses with no soul, which gives it something in common with everything else mentioned above.

So why is this girl getting all the crap and yet we give Wiz, the JoBro's and others a free pass (yes I know, no one gets a free pass per se, but I mean in the unanimous "this is crap" decision.)

I think I know why: guilt. I hate to bring this up, but since Janet Jackson's Super Bowl "Wardrobe Malfunction," music has been sliding more towards the end of shallow, vapid and safe. The 80's were like that too, but at least it was shallow vapid and safe with a soul, if that makes any sense.

Recent music has lacked soul. The best bands are indie bands, and rappers stopped rapping about real life the way that Pac, Biggie and Eminem used to. By 2011, we had Dr. Dre releasing "Detox" which so far sounds like it should be a Flo-Rida album (nothing wrong with Flo-Rida, just I want Dre), Eminem doing Chrysler ads, and one of the top rappers of today hailing from Canada and being famous for starring in "Degrassi."

To add to that, Nickleback passed for "Great Rock" when it should've just been "decent party rock." They're just great in comparison with everything else.

Collectively we're starting to wake up from that, even though I've been seeing this and warning people about it since 2005. But now, we're awake as a whole, and Rebecca Black, the singer of "Friday" is getting the brunt of the abuse.

I don't think its deserved though. Yes, its horrible, shallow, soulless, manufactured, and, well bad. But here's the thing: she's 13. If a 13 year old future pop star needs a song, this is the song to give her. It is catchy, and when making pop music, especially to appeal to her demographic, catchy is all thats important. And yes, I HATE the song, but there are songs that I hate more that are worse.

But my heart goes out to her, she's only trying to live a dream, and just as she has a chance to do it, you have these internet tough guys telling her to die. Now as someone who's dealt with such people on Bleacher Report, I can empathize with the poor girl on this one. Someone who left me a death threat and told me to die over something I wrote is an asshole. However the people who said this to her, well, if they're over the age of 18 (yes its possible) then may God have mercy on their souls.

Rebecca, keep your head up and keep doing what you're doing. I hope you get that duet with Justin Bieber. Yes, it will probably be the most hated song in the history of pop music, but here's something else I know: it will also get a lot of iTunes downloads, a lot of YouTube views, and will be #1 on the charts.

Oh, and to everyone else, if you truly hate something, don't watch the videos, change the station when its on the radio, and don't discuss it. Remember, in entertainment, any reaction is a good reaction, the best way to make crappy music go away is to just ignore it. The first time I looked up the "Black and Yellow" song on YouTube was to do this article, and it will also be the last, same with "Friday."

But because of idiots like me who wrote a blog about it, and more importantly everyone else, both of these songs have legs. In other words, we have no one to blame for crap but ourselves.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Are you happy right now?

About What? For the most part, yes, I'm extremely happy, yeah there are something that could be better, but there always will be in anyones life, but other than that, I'm feeling very good about a lot of important things, including my great girlfriend who I know wrote this question lol.

Ask me anything, literally, ANYTHING!

Watchin LeBron struggle is the best thing to ever happen in my life. I know you're probably all down in the dumps and depressed over it, which makes it even better. Hope this drives you to suicide you cocksucker.

You want an answer from me? Then Just read this:

Ask me anything, literally, ANYTHING!