Monday, August 1, 2011

Tommy's Musical Rant

I love music. But I love good music.

The following blog isn't about good music.

Now I'm not going to focus on the Rebecca Black's or the Justin Biebers or the people who aren't musicians who try to be (looking at you Shaq.) No, I'm focusing on popular music that's terrible.

Where should I start?

Well I'll start with great comedian and prophet Bill Hicks. This routine of his explains why music for the most part, sucks.

Now we can all agree that drugs are bad, mmkay? (That's another blog by the way.) But its true, mediocrity and banality are not good examples for the children either. To quote Mr. Hicks, we want musicians who play from their f**king heart!

But mediocrity and banality sells, like this steaming pile of dog turds.

Ok, can you even dance to this? Can you drive to this? What can you do to this song? And did you see those simpleton lyrics? Guy just names things that go together. All that was missing was "you can be peanut butter, and I'm your jelly baby; and I'm the bacon baby you're the eggs, oooh."

Bad lyrics, a beat that you can't do anything to, this song is nothing more than just a sheer example of lyrical stupidity that only stupid people seem to like.

Based off the charts, this world is full of stupid people. Stupid people that don't know what they want, so don't get what they want. Isn't that right British not the father of Michael Jackson Joe Jackson?

Now for the next song. This is supposed to be party music, yet much like the other song above by Miguel, I can't dance to this. Of course, earlier this summer I received the fantastic news that they broke up, however that only means more sample-heavy productions from Will.I.Am and more Fergie. Here's the Black Eyed Peas.

OWWW!!!! I have a headache! And the fact that this song is more than six minutes long? YEESH! See, modern party music doesn't just have to be a seizure-causing beat and simpleton lyrics. It can be done right even in 2011, right Cee-Lo?

Now THIS is something you can jam to. Yeah, the lyrics are simple, but they're sung well, the song is well produced, and its not too long. This is what a Summer pop hit should sound like. You would think more people would try to emulate Cee-Lo's success and be good. But oh no, good doesn't always sell. Instead we get this.

Ahh...I actually like Bruno Mars, but anyone can write crap. At least he's honest though. He said he didn't feel like doing anything, and apparently writing a song was one of those anythings he didn't feel like writing. Hey, I can at least understand why this song is popular. He's on a run. Sometimes when musicians get on a good run its like playing poker. Anything and everything hits. So I'm not really too against this song, but lets just call it what it is, crap. I mean, all he does is name things he doesn't feel like doing!

Maybe I should summon Joe Jackson again, because I think Bruno needs to grab his lady (not the one he caught the grenade for because she wouldn't do the same for him) and step out for a bit.

Just something about this song is magical. Even the lyrics, which really aren't that great. Funny tidbit about Joe Jackson (I've been listening to him a lot lately by the way) is that his two biggest hits are probably his worst songs (yet they're still better than 99% of what we have now.) That's the music industry for you!

Finally, I have to attack this.

Whoa whoa whoa! Cat Stevens (now Yusuf Islam) wrote this song after being dumped by his girlfriend. Its beautiful, melodic, and could best be described as the breakup song that someone like me would like.

That's not a good thing.

Its pretentious, holier than thou, and actually talks down to the girl. I'm pretty sure the girl would rather he just tell her to go fuck herself and be on his way as opposed to saying:

I'll always remember you, like a child, girl.

A lyric like this I can only think of one thing to say:

Why don't you have a seat?

Sure he was 22 when he wrote the song while the girl in question was 19, but if you're looking at a woman as a child, well then you have a lot more problems than she probably has, its plain to see why she left you in the first place, and if you communicate it in a song, I think it says more about you than it does her.

Well finally, here's an old song that has been made popular again by wrestler CM Punk. He started using it as an entrance theme, and thank God, it sure as hell is better than "You Can't See Me, The Time is Now" and just flat out rocks, but also has a great message behind it, so I leave you with this, and also to link this article on facebook, follow me on twitter, take care, and spike your hair. Woo Woo Woo, you know it.

1 comment:

  1. Alright, first off, the Black Eyed Peas are awesome, they're perfect, they're wonderful, probably the best ever... FOR ME TO POOP ON!!! Seriously, how is it that they have managed to make every single song they release even more annoying than the last one? That has got to be a talent. And to think, I actually liked them back in their "Joints & Jam" pre-Fergie days. Heck, I even liked them for a little bit after they got Fergie -- "Where Is The Love?" wasn't too bad. Where the hell has THAT group gone now, though? Geez, Louise, they've become 100% auto-tuned soundboards (a.k.a. robots), and their lyrics have gone about as far south as lyrics can go ("I'mma be, I'mma be, I'mma be..." that song has to be the most annoying song EVER, and this one ain't too far behind!). I'm very glad they broke up.

    As for these other cats, Bruno Mars / Joe Jackson / Miguel ... lmao, what the fuck?!?! You call that shit music? And BTW, Bruno, you get an F for creativity. After all, it is possible to do a lazy song and still make it highly likable, just look at Sublime's "Burritos." It was pretty much the same, exact shit as your song, only 1,000 times better. THAT's how that's done. Whatever this is supposed to be... just, no! Then again, isn't he like 19 or something? I guess I don't so much fault him, as whoever gave a 19-year-old talentless hack a microphone. Get outta here with that Johnny Mathis haircut, too, Bruno. Get original, man, stop stealing shit, and oh yeah - PLAY FROM YOUR F**KING SOUL!!!!

    As for Cat Stevens, Tom? Sorry, but I'mma have to disagree with you there. "Wild World" is one of my all-time fave post-breakup melancholy songs, and I wish more of the emo songs from today sounded as melodic today. Instead, nowadays, they just scream and whine into a microphone, and make allusions that they're gonna go cut themselves or some shit. Bunch of freakin' idiots, these wannabe punks today. Cat, keep up the good work, and Tom, stop dissing Cat. As for everyone else you were attacking here, good grief, I can see why!

    PS: Cee-Lo can be entertaining, but he's no Fiona Apple, musically. He could be a lot better himself. Go learn to play an instrument, my chocolate oompa-loompa, and if you already know this, then do so sometime... please! However, thank you for giving us "Crazy" and "F**k You," those two songs are catchy as hell!