Ballad of Fucktard and Fuckmuffin...

It all started as a harmless internet friendship…harmless but fun. You had the somewhat lost 22 year old from Miami, struggling his way through college and life, in between jobs in retail, and the sweet but at times bitchy redneck girl from a part of Illinois that he only knew existed because of the fact that the prison from Blues Brothers was there, and the nickname of John Belushi’s character was the name of the town. (Joliet btw, and yes, it is a shitty town in the shadows of Chicago, more on that later.)

Little did either know that night that a friendship would begin that would show how a male-female friendship should be done. She could take a joke like one of the guys, and had no problems farting like them; he was a sensitive guy, maybe a bit too sensitive. In a way it would make sense that they would give dating a try. Twice. The first time was about a month after they met. (Let the record show that she asked him out!) They stopped that first time, and saw each of them deal with boyfriends/girlfriends that both were too good for. He dated another redneck, a crazy one, one that to this day he still can’t quite figure out, she dated a Mexican who should be deported because he does nothing but reinforce every negative stereotype Americans have of Mexicans. He moved on to one of his sister’s friends, who had a very questionable sexual past (they still talk though), she moved onto reconnecting to an ex with an anger problem. None of those worked, but they had each other, to bitch and complain about the relationships with.

Of course, she knew a girl, and actually was kind of in a relationship with this girl (they were bi, and in her defense, they did nothing). This girl would come to you with a smile, but no one knew that she had a knife ready for when you turned around. She had the name of this guy’s favorite 311 song, and an ex girlfriend of his who’s highlight in life would be sleeping with his roommate, NASCAR’S token future Hispanic guy used to bring in the Hispanic audience and nothing more because he’s stuck on Dale Jr.’s former team. This girl had a sister, who for the life of me never seemed to have a job, which is normal when you’re married, in your mid 20’s with three kids with 2 different guys, and she was married to one who really didn’t make all that much.

As their friendship continued to build, the hypochondriac sisters (we’ll refer to them as this from now on, they always seemed to have some sort of malady, I’m waiting for the text that says “Tommy we have swine flu”) seemed to try to get friendly with the guy. Sadly the guy didn’t know their intentions. One seemed to be in love with him, and the other always wanted to talk about how much she masturbated. Believe me, if I told you how weird this family could possibly be, you’d compliment me on how great of a writer I was. For one, they married 2 guys who were brothers of each other! WTF?! Well, while the dude was cool with talking to them, he had no idea that a trip to see his best friend would go wrong.

The guy and the girl hung out on July 31st, 2007. They drove around that shithole town together (seriously, it was like the worst of Hialeah and the best of Homestead. They’re not exactly printing out brochures that tell you to come to Joliet, all they got there is the race, which is fine if you’re into NASCAR. The only thing there other than this girl I was interested in was the casino, and I didn’t go there. Alas, next trip to the Chicagoland area, John and I aka 2big2fail sports team are going to OWN Harrah’s Joliet! And I can only hope the hypochondriac sisters are there to play at the table, they’re terrible liars.) They ate lunch together, had a good time.
But then came Friday, and the girl didn’t show up. She claims she had to work and wasn’t feeling well. Now the guy was an idiot, and called one of the hypochondriac sisters (the older one, the one you’ve probably seen on Maury last week. Steve, you ARE NOT the Father!) And asked her to find out the truth. She called back two minutes later saying that she texted her and when she got a reply back, she said that she texted her back and told her that she didn’t want to hang out with me because I was “boring and gay” and she didn’t feel an attraction to be my boyfriend. Out of all of those, I could take the last one, but the first two? Well this guy was so devastated that he vowed to not talk to this girl again.

They still talked from time to time, but every time their friendship seem to go back to normal, one of the hypochondriac sisters seemed to bring it down by telling another lie to this guy, lie after lie, how bout about the time she laid on the bed to try and seduce a guy, all while wearing a mini-skirt and no panties and asking “you like what you see” or about how she wanted to cheat on her boyfriend. Various lies. The two then fought for real, chose not to speak again, and be done with it, right?
Well, then the younger hypochondriac sister decided to mention this girl every day, with another story. Apparently this girl stole the identity of the hypo sisters (I’m tired of typing hypochondriac) and was even caught using an ATM card that was in their name. Everything seemed to be about how terrible this girl was, and how great they were.

Well the guy thought he could trust the hypo sisters, turned out he was wrong. First they started to get him to turn against another good friend of his (whom he was trying to date at the time and is another story for another time, more like a novel, I digress). By then, he had enough. He finally found out the truth, the older hypo sister made up the whole boring/gay thing because she was upset that this guy had the sense to turn her sexual advances down. (She was married, and not all that attractive.) While the other one wanted so very bad to be with him that she almost ruined her marriage and possibly (not saying for sure but wouldn’t be too surprised if that had something to do with it) a relationship the guy wanted with someone special to him to do it

Well, as you can guess, I’m the guy, and one Miss Elizabeth Gable is the girl. I’m fucktard, she’s fuckmuffin. (Don’t ask about the nicknames.) The hypo sisters will remain nameless to protect their ignorance, but if they’re reading this, they know who they are. (Diana knows who they are too sadly, and btw Diana, I’m sorry for bringing the younger hypo sister into your life) Earlier this month, the two reconnected as friends, and wouldn’t you know, it was like old times, only we were both older and wiser. I’m not longer struggling with college and jobs, she’s got her life together as well and has her goals, and damn it, she’s going to accomplish them. We still make fun of each other, we still joke about each other, and whichever significant others come into our lives. We give each other advice about relationships, and commiserate to each other about relationships that failed. We’re huge Cubs fans, and we get happy together (not in that way pervs!) when they win, and bitch about how they suck when they lose. Its everything that made us a great friendship and great tag team, all that’s missing right now are the two negative factors that tried to end it, and thank God! So I just want to say this: Liz, I’m sorry for the past two years of buying into bullshit, I’m glad you forgave me. God bless you, you may be a sarcastic, caustic little bitch, but Goddammit, you’re my sarcastic caustic little bitch. Love you lots my fucktard. Hopefully we’ll have that giant October hug this year where we’re both at Wrigley celebrating that Cubs World Series, because, It’s Gonna Happen!

And to the hypo sisters: raise your fucking kids! I felt like I was long-distance raising the younger one’s kids, while I’m sure Liz was pretty much the mother the older one’s kids wish they had. Raise your fucking kids and stop fucking with people’s lives, because in all honesty, it’s not because of bad luck, no two people have as much bad luck as you, you two are in the situation you two are in because of your own games and bullshit. Older hypo sister, stop cheating on your husband, younger hypo sister, learn that an open relationship, especially one that’s a marriage, is like being in a relationship in “EFF YOU!” mode, it doesn’t work! Thank you!