Does Anybody Even Know What A Satire is?

This weekend I went on a writing spree, of which I'm assuming this is part of since I just wrote a new story about two hours ago.

But man, did I get annoyed with the reaction of one story I wrote, titled: Why The Los Angeles Lakers and Miami Heat Are Overrated.

Now if you haven't already, stop for just a second and read the article.

Did you really take the article seriously? Was I really trying to insinuate that the Heat, Lakers and Celtics, the three most talented teams in the NBA, were overrated?

Sadly, at Bleacher Report, there are hundreds of articles written like this every day.

Each of these articles are filled with complete internet diarrhea, as they are nothing more than a "My team's dong is bigger than your team's dong" variety of "facts." Many people are upset at ESPN for hyping these teams up and playing favorites with them. You know your argument is off base when you're making me defend ESPN in 2010.

That's why I wrote the piece, to MOCK all of the people who write such incessant garbage. And sadly, people got upset that I dared to satirize something that needed to be satirized, all in the name of common sense and logic.

Anyone who reads that piece should know that taking it seriously would be like taking Saturday Night Live's Weekend Update, The Daily Show With Jon Stewart, or The Colbert Report seriously, if you do, you have some serious problems.

Yet some people took this crap seriously! How serious?

THEY DIDN'T EVEN BOTHER TO READ! THEY INSTEAD ENGAGED IN THE TYPE OF BEHAVIOR THAT I WAS TRYING TO MOCK, AND ON TOP OF THAT, QUESTIONED MY WRITING ABILITY!

Now there are few things I'm sensitive about, one of them is wishing ill upon others, which forced me to defend someone I've never met and probably wouldn't urinate on me if I was on fire even though he plays for my favorite basketball team, and the other is when my writing skills, which I've worked so hard to refine since I was in Middle School, are attacked by people for no reason and instead of offering constructive criticism, they just call it a "waste of time."

I'm not sure if I should be calling them the idiots for not getting it, or if I'm the idiot for thinking that these people would be smart enough to see through everything said in the article, but I need to reassure myself (yes I'm that selfish) that I did this correctly.

So I'm asking all of you kindly, if you got this far and haven't read it yet, or if you have and haven't critiqued me yet, to please read the article, and critique it CONSTRUCTIVELY! Tell me whether you got it, if you understood that it was a joke and would've had I not told you already. If you read it before I exposed the parody aspect of it, tell me if you caught onto it quickly, or if I needed to do something better in order to make it more clear.

Because unfortunately, for the thousands of bleacher report readers who read it, I didn't, and it honestly has me just a little ticked off.

The College Football Playoffs According to Tommy

The BCS matchups were introduced recently, and of course, they chose #1 Texas vs. #2 Alabama as the National Championship game. Meanwhile, three unbeaten teams got left in the cold. TCU and Boise State will fight it out in the Fiesta Bowl so that they may play a competitive game against each other instead of one team going to the Orange Bowl and beating Georgia Tech and Boise State destroying Iowa in the Fiesta Bowl thus making the calls for a playoff louder, and Cincinnati and their lame duck coach/dumbest man on the planet gets to get whupped on by Florida in the Sugar Bowl. It’s very possible that at the end of the year, we could have three undefeated teams, and there will definitely be a controversy if Cincinnati beats Florida (considering a motivated Tebow and the fact that the Bearcat’s coach is a lame duck coach, not likely) and Texas beats Alabama (very likely).

Would I rather see a playoff similar to basketball’s March madness? Of course, and so would everyone, including the President of the United States. Will it happen? Well, probably not, too much money and tradition in the Bowl games. However, I’ll dispute that Bowl Game tradition by pointing out that once upon a time, each bowl meant something other than money (in other words, it’s all about money). So they bastardized the bowls yet won’t put in a playoff system, hell they even said they tried but yet couldn’t think of a playoff system.

I’m here to help.

Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, college football fans of all ages, I Thomas Arsenio Galicia, am proud to present to you a whole new idea…The NCAA College Football Division I-A Playoffs! How will it work you might ask? Well, first off we’re taking 17 teams, why not a round 16? Because to become the 16^th team, just like in basketball with the 64^th team, the two lowest ranked teams have to play in the play-in game. Why? Well first off, 11 bids will go to the winners of all 11 college football division 1-A conferences (since we’re actually doing a playoff, no need for the Football Bowl Subdivision title, its back to division 1-A and division 1-AA). No longer will the teams from just the 6 BCS conferences have a better chance at a National Championship than teams from the five non-BCS conferences. The last 6 bids will go to at large teams based off of the BCS rankings, which will be changed to the Playoff Series Rankings. Simply put, if you’re in the Playoff Series Top 16, yet are not a conference champion, you will be considered for a playoff spot depending on your ranking, and the 7 highest ranking non-conference champions will get playoff berths.

To facilitate this and eliminate that stupid “co-champion” tag, each conference will have a conference championship game, regardless of how many teams are in each conference. (I find the whole “you must have 12 teams in your conference to have a conference championship game” rule stupid but that’s just me.) And, since they won’t get any special favors, Notre Dame must join either the Big East (of whom they’re a basketball-only member) or the Big 10 (where they’re geographically from, and by doing this they’ll still be able to play Michigan, Michigan State and Perdue every year, if they were a Big East team this wouldn’t be possible, fuck it, Notre Dame’s joining the Big 10 under my plan but it will still be the Big 10 despite having 12 teams, they already have 11 anyways and there’s already a Big 12, so why rock the boat?)

How will the conferences without conference playoffs do this despite not having divisions? I’ll make the divisions for them.

Big Ten

EAST WEST

Penn State Wisconsin

Michigan Minnesota

Michigan State Iowa

Ohio State Illinois

Indiana Purdue

Notre Dame Northwestern

The natural rivalries are even lined up with one another, although you have two, this way the schedule format would stay the same. Championship Game played in Indianapolis, IN.

Pac-10

South North

USC Oregon

UCLA Oregon St.

Cal Stanford

Arizona Washington

Arizona St. Washington St.

Why put Cal and Stanford in different divisions? Because the schedule won’t change at all, the divisions are only for the purpose of the championship game. Unlike with the Big 10 who’s championship game site would be fixed in Indianapolis, the Pac 10 would rotate their game each year between: Qwest Field in Seattle, The Coliseum in Los Angeles until they build a new NFL stadium, Candlestick Park in San Francisco until the 49ers get their new stadium, and University of Phoenix Stadium in Glendale, Arizona.

And you get the idea. I’m not going to break up the divisions for the WAC, Mountain West or Sun Belt because, well, I just don’t feel like it.

So how does this playoff system work? Well I gave you the short version already, here’s the long version.

Each conference champion makes it in without fail.

Whether you’re the SEC, ACC, Big 10, Big XII, or Sun Belt Conference, if you can win your conference, you get invited to the party. Pretty simple right? Well there’s 11 conferences, meaning 11 births. Done!

Six at large entries are invited to participate to round up the playoffs.

Why not just have the 11 conference champions compete? Well, how shitty would it be if say Florida, which went undefeated in a tough conference all year until the final game was shut out of the playoffs, yet a team like Troy that went 8-5 and couldn’t even hold the jockstraps of the fourth best team in the Big XII (losing 55-24) could make it in? We need the at-large teams. How are they invited you ask? Well the way the bowls pick out what teams to invite actually has nothing to do with record, it’s based off of how many tickets they could sell. Well these are the playoffs, they should sell themselves! So, we base these at-large teams on the BCS now Playoff Series rankings. The six highest ranked non conference championship teams would get the invites.

The 16 teams will be split off into four regions of four.

And to keep some semblance of tradition, the brackets will be named after the four BCS Bowls: The Orange Bracket, the Sugar Bracket, the Rose Bracket, and the Fiesta Bracket. Why? Because those regional finals would be held in the locations of those bowls. I’ll explain the logistics considering that three of those stadiums are also used by NFL teams.

The first week of the playoffs all games would be played at the home stadium of the higher seed.

We’re looking at a good four weeks of games. Best place to play them is the stadium of the higher seeds for the first round right?

The second week of the playoffs, aka the regional finals, will be played in specific regions.

Easy. The Orange Bracket finals will be played in Miami, Sugar in New Orleans, Fiesta in Phoenix, and Rose in Pasadena. Sure this will take place about a week earlier than the actual games would, but trust me, this works out well.

Based off of a rotating basis, two of those sites will be used for the semifinals, one for the finals, and the other will take a year off.

Let’s say this year its Pasadena’s turn to host the Finals. The Sugar and Orange Bowl would then host the semis with the Fiesta Bowl left out for one year. Then Next year it would be the Fiesta Bowl hosting the finals with the Rose Bowl and Orange Bowl hosting the semis and the Sugar Bowl skipping, the year after that the Sugar Bowl hosts the finals with the Fiesta and Rose hosting the semis and the Orange Bowl skipping, then finally the Orange Bowl hosts with the Fiesta and Sugar hosting the semis and the Rose skipping. It’s done, its fair, plus it makes sense because these are the only four locations I’d consider hosting these games anyways.

The championship will be determined at the same time as it is now.

We wouldn’t have to change much. Championship Saturday is still the first week of December, they get the second week off (except for the play-in game), the third week of December is for the first round, fourth week of December is for the regional finals, New Year’s day both semifinals get played, and the week after that, the finals. That wasn’t too hard now was it? Plus, New Years Day football games will mean something again!

This idea could work right? Well it should. In Fact, here’s a breakdown of how it would go if they implemented it for this year.

Sugar Bracket:

1. Alabama

2. Ohio State

3. Georgia Tech

4. Play-in game winner (East Carolina vs. Troy)

Fiesta Bracket:

1. Texas

2. Boise State

3. Iowa

4. LSU

Orange Bracket:

1. Cincinnati

2. Florida

3. Central Michigan

4. Miami

Rose Bracket

1. TCU

2. Oregon

3. Virginia Tech

4. Penn State

Already, this looks promising…haven’t even gotten to the games yet, and you know what? Here’s how I’m going to do it: Every Saturday I plan on using NCAA 2010 to simulate these games, and I’ll tell you how they pan out. Then we’ll crown a real National Champion, well, not really but, I’ll just show how exciting this is and how it would really help college football, and it wouldn’t take an act of congress to pull all of this off either.

Update: East Carolina defeated Troy 39-10. This Saturday: Round 1:

Orange Bracket: 4. Miami @ 1. Cincinnati; 3. Central Michigan @ 2. Florida

Rose Bracket: 4. Penn State @ 1. TCU; 3. Virginia Tech @ 2. Oregon.

Sugar Bracket: 4. East Carolina @ 1. Alabama; 3. Georgia Tech @ 2. Ohio State

Fiesta Bracket: 4. LSU @ 1. Texas; 3. Iowa @ 2. Boise State

Dilemma? What Dilemma?

Dilemma. It means a choice between undesirable alternatives. Well, Dolfans have a dilemma this week in the hugely anticipated game that could be a Miami Super Bowl preview: Patriots-Saints.

Um, Excuse me Mr. Kotex? But what kind of a dilemma would this hold? I mean, it’s a matchup between the team that is currently two games ahead of the dolphins in the AFC East race, and a team that’s in first place in the NFC South, which means the Saints aren’t even in the same division as the Dolphins; they’re not even in the same CONFERENCE!

Somebody will win, and, no matter who, it's going to be a blow to the current Dolphins' playoff hopes, or to the franchise's hopes of keeping a unique claim on the Perfect Season.

Oh GOD! That’s why this is such a dilemma? Ok, let’s sort this out once and for all.

This is not a dilemma, a quagmire (giggity giggity goo!) or even a tough choice to make. So if the Saints win, coupled of course with a Dolphins victory over Buffalo Sunday afternoon, then the dolphins will be exactly ONE game out of the AFC East crown going into a home game against the Patriots next week. If that all comes to pass and the Dolphins beat the patriots, then not only will there be a tie for first place, but the dolphins will hold the key tiebreaker in this situation, division record, meaning the dolphins only have to win out and they win their second straight AFC East title, while the Patriots would have to win out AND hope the dolphins lose sometime down the stretch. However if the Patriots win on Monday Night against the Saints, even if the dolphins beat them the next week, the Patriots would still be in first place in the AFC East, comfortably in the driver’s seat. (Of course if the phins lose to the Bills on Sunday all of this is a moot point.)

However if the Patriots lose, then that 72 Dolphins team will be closer to finishing the year as still the only undefeated team in NFL history.

Leave it to Greg Cote of the Miami Herald to tell us that we should be emotionally torn over this. (Full article here.) That as Dolphins fans we should root for the Patriots because of the fact that we should take pride in the fact that the 1972 Dolphins are the only NFL team to go undefeated throughout an entire season. It’s a load of horse shit honestly.

Fact is, the 1972 Dolphins do not resonate with me for the simple fact that I was born in NINETEEN EIGHTY FRIGGIN-THREE! That’s right, ELEVEN YEARS after they accomplished this feat, I was brought into the world. Since you really don’t begin to follow sports until you’re about five or six, that would mean there’s a good SIXTEEN YEARS between the time the 72 phins went undefeated and when I started watching football. They really don’t resonate with me, that’s like asking a Bears fan born in 1989 about the how 85 Bears and the Super Bowl shuffle affected their lives as sports fans, or a Yankees fan born in 1992 about what the Reggie Jackson Bronx Zoo teams mean to them, or a Lakers fan born in the late 80’s to early 90’s about Magic, Kareem and the Showtime Lakers.

Fact is the only teams that mean anything to you are the teams you grew up watching. Bears fans born in 89 can tell you plenty about Urlacher and Hester, but couldn’t pick out Gary Fencik or Richard Dent out of a police lineup unless their obsessive sports dorks. Yankees fans born in 92 know about Reggie from his Oscar winning performances in The Benchwarmers and BASEketball and know from history being handed down to them about his three home runs off of three straight pitches in game 6 of the 1977 World Series, but couldn’t tell you about it because they haven’t really seen it, to them their Yankee heroes are Jeter, Rivera, and after last year’s post-season even A-Rod. And Lakers fans born in the late 80’s and early 90’s will always be able to tell you that Kobe is the greatest basketball player in the world today, know of Magic Johnson as the guy who tested HIV Positive in 1991 yet is still alive and healthy enough to become almost a self-parody of himself, and know of Pat Riley as the head coach of the Miami Heat that traded Lamar Odom for Shaq and forced Stan Van Gundy to “spend some time with the family”, but their only experience of really seeing the Showtime Lakers is if they stumble onto some YouTube clips or ESPN Classic.

Well, myself, and many other Dolphins fans under the age of 40, are like the fans that I mentioned. To me, Bob Griese is the ABC College Football analyst and father of Brian, Nick Bunnocoti was once the host of Inside the NFL and is known for raising money and awareness towards curing paralysis after his son was involved in an unfortunate incident where he injured his spine playing football in college. Don Shula was Dan Marino’s coach who could never figure out how to build a running game around him, not the run-first head coach known for ball control. The Orange Bowl is the former UM stadium that got knocked down to make room for the new marlins stadium, not the “Home of The Miami Dolphins”. Larry Csonka is the former host of American Gladiators, I could go on. I’m not trying to deny the accomplishments of these men; I’m just saying that, to me they aren’t really relevant.

Fact is, no one is going to take away what they did in 1972, it’s an accomplishment that has only happened once in the NFL’s 90 year history, so even if it happens again this year, they’re still in an exclusive club and should still be proud of what they did.

But the NFL, like all sports, is about “What have you done for me lately?” (YES! I was able to work Janet Jackson into a blog post!) The 2009 Dolphins are more important to me than any other dolphins team. Why? BECAUSE ITS 2009! Next year the 2010 Dolphins will become the most important, and so it will go on.

A true Dolphins fan would rather see the New Orleans Saints go undefeated by beating New England on Monday night and make it so that the Patriots are one game up on the Dolphins going into next week in Miami, then see the Dolphins take advantage of that and beat New England and take control of the driver’s seat in the AFC East.

Now Cote did mention that the post-season seems “unlikely” for the dolphins even if the Patriots do win. I feel that unlikely seems like a strong word that encourages negativity (oh yea, like what the Miami Herald has done with this Dolphins team with the exception of LeBatard for the last 20 years, and LeBatard only has a part-time role with them because he’d rather do radio. And the Newspaper industry wonders why they’re in such trouble!)

A better word would be improbable, which means it’s still possible, still likely, but you’re not quite sure, but consider that their tough schedule is really a tough schedule with winnable games. First up is Buffalo, a game they SHOULD win. Then comes the Patriots at home, they already lost the first one, and usually when the dolphins are decent their due for at least one win against the Pats per season. Then comes Jacksonville in Jacksonville, which if the dolphins win their next two games, could potentially lead to road trips for Dolphins fans to Jacksonville making it like a 9^th home game, hell, it might even sell out! Jags are actually better on the road than at home, so this is good for the phins. That’s followed by a visit to Nashville to play the titans, which will be tough but winnable. (I think we can stop Vince Young and make him win the game with his arm.) Then it’s Houston, and, let’s be honest, we’re due to beat Houston, plus it’s at home. Then finally to round it out, we take on a Steelers team that might not have Polamalu (btw Pittsburgh is winless without him this season) and just lost to the Chiefs. Each game, while tough, is against teams with their flaws, and the Dolphins so far have beaten teams that they are better than, and have shown they can keep it close against teams that are supposed to be better than them. Now that you see everything, all of a sudden it doesn’t seem so “unlikely” hell, it doesn’t even seem improbable!

Then as impossible as it seems, if we can keep that momentum up, then the 2009 Dolphins can get their second chance against the Saints in Super Bowl XLIII, played here in Miami, and we could be the ones to end their run towards history.

So now that you have the evidence, why in God’s name would any right thinking Dolphins fan want the Patriots to win come Monday Night?

A Mission Statement

I've dabbled in writing for years, yet I could never seem to finish anything. But I feel that by posting this goal of mines to the public on facebook, I'm going to have to deliver the goods or else I face massive backlash, while at the same time hopefully get some encouragement from my friends to finish this.

I decided that my first book will be a part fiction but mostly fact book about The History of South Florida Sports. Think of it this way, an Encyclopedia of everything you've ever wanted to know about sports in South Florida, mixed in with Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. This project doesn't have a deadline but lets just say if its not finished by this time next year, bad things will happen to good people. I'm going to write it piece by piece and not in chronological order, and some of it (when relevant) will be posted up in my blogs on blogger and myspace. I'm not sure how long the book will be, but it will definitely take a lot of research, I might even have to go to some libraries for this one! Of course if you'd like to serve as my unpaid intern (thats a nice way of saying my bitch) feel free to contact me at thomasgalicia@yahoo.com or leave me a message here on myspace. The first part that I've written is actually going to be somewhere much later on in the book, for I've already figured out what would go where and how.

Here's a link to that blog post right here: http://profintellecttommy.blogspot.com/2009/11/great-idea-for-south-florida-sports-and.html or you could go to the blog on my myspace profile and read for yourself. Tell me what I should change, your feedback is very important to me.

Thank you in advance, and if this damn thing ever does get published, then I'll most definitely thank those that helped out with the book in the book itself, as well as purchase them something nice along with an autographed copy of the book.

A Great Idea for South Florida Sports and TV

I’m not a business man, I’ve never tried to be, and I try not to be. I’m a writer and a sports fan at heart, and yes, this is about sports, but more the business of sports for today.

Sports teams are a business. There, I said it! We want to believe that they’re for civic pride, just ask people in Seattle how much civic pride they have over their Super Sonics right now, or ask a Hartford resident how much civic pride they have over the mighty whale right now, or rabid hockey fan living in Winnipeg or Quebec City, who I’m sure are just BURSTING with civic pride over their Jets and Nordiques respectively. No, they’re businesses, they can pick up and leave when they want, and they’re out to make money.

Of course, they also operate as a monopoly. The Miami Heat is the only NBA team in Miami, the Florida-soon to be Miami Marlins are the only professional baseball team in Miami. Both teams at one point were on the verge of moving before getting new stadiums built. The Heat got the American Airlines Arena which I must say is aging like a fine wine as opposed to the old Miami Arena and the Marlins will be moving into their new ballpark in exactly 162 home games not counting the playoffs. What does one have to do with the other? They both always take a backseat to The Miami Dolphins, both in the hearts of the fans, and in the media. On top of that, they both have to share a regional sports network cartel with teams from other parts of the state of Florida! In 2012, it’s only going to get worse, since the Marlins new stadium is a retractable roof ballpark, they will be competing for events such as concerts, conventions, professional wrestling, and other events where they can make money other than the team’s games themselves. It doesn’t have to be this way, and on top of that, it won’t, if they can heed my idea. Unlikely, but I have to get it on paper somehow.

The Marlins and The Heat should merge all of their non-baseball and non-basketball operations together.

Has this ever been done before, two teams of different sports merging? YES, pun intended! Why is the pun there you may ask? Well, the YES network started off as a merger between the New Jersey Nets and the New York Yankees. This was done in 1999 in order to leverage their television deals together. We ended up with YES network because they found that if they just produced their teams own games and broadcasted it on their own network, hence collecting the advertising themselves, they’d make more money than just selling their rights to a Fox Sports Net type channel. Other teams followed suit and got in the act afterwards, in some cases it succeeded (Comcast Sports Chicago, owned 25% by Comcast, 25% by the Chicago Cubs, and 50% by Jerry Reinsdorf the owner of the White Sox and Bulls; Altitude which is owned by the owner of the Denver Nuggets and the Colorado Avalanche; NESN which actually predates YES and is owned 80% by the Red Sox and 20% by the Boston Bruins; and SportsTime Ohio which is owned by the Cleveland Indians), and in some cases its failed (Victory Sports One lasted a cool 3 games when it was established in 2004 by the Minnesota Twins, however when it failed to get cable coverage anywhere in the established markets of the Twins and thus folded as the Twins moved back to their local FSN).

However this merger isn’t just about their own television network, which we WILL get to, as well as WHY it would succeed, it’s about integrating the businesses of two sports franchises that seem so different but really together could be the same.

Now, I don’t know if Mickey Arison and Jeffrey Loria know each other, hell, I doubt they’ve even been in the same room, but one has to think that if presented with such an idea, something could be worked out. For Arison, it would be a chance to own a piece of a Major League Baseball team. I’m not sure if that’s something he’d be interested in, hell if he was he probably would’ve competed against Huizinga to bring baseball to South Florida (No way he would’ve bought the team from him in 1998 when the team was up for sale, the two men hated each other!) For Loria, it would be something new to his portfolio, an NBA team, and the glitz and glamour that comes with it. The model with this though is one of efficiency.

The Heat and Marlins obviously wouldn’t merge their baseball and basketball operations. As funny as it would be to see how Larry Beinfest would try to woo LeBron to the Heat, or see Pat Riley find a way to make Freddi need to spend some time with his family, or see Cody Ross run the point, or even Dwyane Wade fully emulate his hero Michael Jordan and hit below the Mendoza line for the Carolina Mudcats one year, it’s just not going to happen that way! Here’s what WOULD be merged:

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-Stadium/Arena operations. The Heat own and operate American Airlines Arena, and while Miami-Dade County will own the new Marlins Ballpark with the Marlins operating it. The two teams thru their merged company could create a company in charge of operating both places. Now the New York Yankees and The Dallas Cowboys set up a joint-venture between the two of them to operate both stadiums, this plan is similar but like I mentioned before there’s more to it. The positive of this is no competing for events. Concerts expecting to have large draws in the winter in South Florida’s perfect winter weather take place at the Marlins Ballpark, while smaller summer shows would take place at the Triple-A. Plus it would also open up the possibility of a Regular Season Heat game played outdoors in front of possibly 40,000 Heat fans sometime between December and February. (I’d suggest an annual Christmas Afternoon game against the Magic, Knicks, or Bulls and tie it in to the Orange Bowl Festivities, and while we’re at it, BRING BACK THE ORANGE BOWL PARADE DAMMIT, sorry, that’s another blog!)

·

-Sales and Marketing. Now here comes the drawback, if you merge their sales and marketing departments, which deal with ticket sales, marketing, and the Miami Heat team store, and sponsorships, well, people are going to lose their jobs. I’m sorry; it’s a fact of life with these mergers. BUT, wouldn’t it be more efficient and save both clubs a lot of money if their sales and marketing departments were combined? Just imagine the possibilities: Heat season ticket holders get discounts on Marlins tickets, Marlins season ticket holders get discounts on Heat tickets, and season ticket holders of both teams could actually purchase packages that combine the two teams. Example: say you but a 20 game Miami Marlins season ticket package. Well, season ticket sales for baseball are made right in the middle of basketball season, so you buy a 20 game Marlins ticket package, and you can get 50% off any 4 Heat games from the time you purchase the tickets until the end of the season. Plus, you could by Heat tickets at Marlins en Miami, the Marlins Little Havana ticket office, or Marlins tickets at the Triple-A. Hell, you could buy tickets for any event taking place at either arena at any of the arenas. Metaphorically speaking, you could catch a Saturday Afternoon Marlins game in April that begins at 1pm. You’re out by 4, and there are tickets available for the Heat’s 7:30 matchup with the Knicks that could determine what seed the Heat get in the playoffs. Well with your Marlins ticket, you could go to a ticket window at the Marlins Ballpark (or even a computer kiosk if you’re using a credit card, which many people would anyways) show the Marlins ticket to the attendant (or scan it if you’re using the kiosk) and just like that, you could get 25% off your tickets to the heat game. In fact, the Marlins will even be kind enough to even let you know the best time to do it (it's when you hear the PA say “now pitching for the Miami Marlins, Renyel Pinto.”) Same could go with the Heat at the Triple-A as well.

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- Shared Sponsorships. Of course the myth in sports is that they make their money from the fans that come see the games. Well, sort of. Sponsorships like it or not, drive the economy of sports. After all, there are as many as 19,000 sets of eyeballs at the Triple-A, and during a sell-out there could be as many as 37,000 at the Marlins ballpark. Now with both teams negotiating joint sponsorships, odds are companies could pay less money but reach more people. They could probably even pay less for the two teams combined then they do for the Dolphins alone. The two teams already have many of the same sponsors, such as Pepsi, Papa John’s, American Airlines to name a few. An appealing proposition to sponsors though would be the opportunity to sponsor both teams, purchase advertising in both venues, AND purchase ads on their new Television Network, which brings me to the final point (I know you’ve been reading this for a while and are at word number 1,590 right now, so just bare with me.)

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-Their own Television Network/Radio Network. Now they already have their own “radio networks” but those are really just a loose chain of radio stations that cover the team. Well, they could sell their radio packages together, or even purchase a Sports Talk radio station in South Florida of their own (Best station for that would be the low-rated 940 The Sports Animal WINZ. Great coverage not only in Miami-Dade and Broward, but could be picked up as far North as Palm Beach and as far west as Ft. Myers, both within the markets of the Heat and the Marlins. Then make Dan LeBatard and Jorge Sedano offers they couldn’t refuse for Drive-Time, while developing new local talent as opposed to syndicated sports programming with the exception of ESPN Radio and Westwood One’s NFL and NCAA package, then purchase an FM Talk station geared towards men 18-45 for overflow programming and general talk or syndicated talk programs like Dan Patrick and Jim Rome.) Of course I’d also suggest purchasing stations throughout the Marlins and Heat’s territory including Naples-Ft. Myers, and West Palm Beach to simulcast such programming.

.. ..

Then there’s their television network. Fox Sports owns a monopoly on sports programming throughout the State of Florida, owning two Regional Sports Networks: Sun Sports and FSN Florida. Unfortunately, these two networks cover sports in the ENTIRE sport of Florida. This leads to the Heat and Marlins getting subpar deals to broadcast their games, on a Sports Network with virtually no other local programming, not even a nightly report on all that’s going on in Florida Sports. In fact, if I have to see The Best Damn Sports Show Period one more time, I’m going on a 5 county killing spree!

There IS a better way, and this one will not only benefit the Heat and Marlins, but the Panthers, Dolphins, even whichever Television stations in the Miami-Ft. Lauderdale, West Palm Beach, and Naples-Ft. Myers Networks decide to sign on.

.. ..

The new cable net would be based in Miami, with studios based in the Triple-A for Heat games, and in the New Marlins Ballpark for Marlins games, and main studios based in whatever Miami television station they’d partner with (Of course, the network would encompass all of South Florida, when I say all of South Florida I’m not just speaking of the Miami-Ft. Lauderdale DMA, but also West Palm Beach’s DMA and Naples-Ft. Myers DMA.) They’d purchase the rights to Heat and Marlins games, produce them, and the teams would collect the revenues from Advertising. If they choose, they could bid on the Panthers, BUT, I could mainly see them just making a serious bid on them, before FSN decides since they’re already losing the Marlins and Heat to make a serious claim to the Panthers, thus driving up the price for the Panthers.

.. ..

Of course, if the Marlins-Heat TV partnership wins the rights to the Panthers, then they’d have a South Florida only regional sports net, a good idea would be a South Florida Cable only news network to accompany it as sort of a South Florida version of Headline News with bureaus in all of the local Television Stations affiliated with them in South Florida (before they went all Nancy Grace on us) plus a venue for overflow programming (I.E. Panthers Games)

.. ..

Again, the programming would be strictly local. If they do somehow manage to own the monopoly on South Florida Sports Coverage, they could also bid on exclusive rights to Miami Dolphins pre-season football, plus Miami Dolphins post game press conferences, off-season press conferences, and during draft time a Miami Dolphins draft special. During the day they’d also air press conferences of any of the teams involved, plus hourly news and weather updates from their partners.

.. ..

What would they air other than press conferences, specials, and the games themselves you might ask? A lot! I’d sign a deal with WWE for one. MSG in New York has one, why not our theoretical regional sports network? First you’d have programs from the WWE’s developmental territory Florida Championship Wrestling every weekend. It could air late at night or in the early mornings. Then you could have WWE’s Florida Classics. If a significant wrestling event from WWE, WCW, NWA, or any wrestling organization whose library is owned by WWE took place in Florida, it could be shown on WWE Florida Theatre hosted by none other than the great Craig DeGeorge!

.. ..

During afternoons you could simulcast LeBatard’s show since he loves to be on TV so much, along with the previous night’s Marlins or Heat or Panthers game or even classic Heat, Marlins or Panthers games, Fall Friday Nights could be for the High School Football game of the week, with coverage of the State Football playoffs and championship. Then after games a comprehensive post game show, then a 30 minute South Florida Sports wrap up show similar to SportsCenter, without all of the superficial shit they include, that also includes relevant National Highlights.

.. ..

Now I mentioned all of these partner TV stations in the three television markets this station would have cable coverage in, but you're probably asking, what would this station do for them? A LOT! This would be a lucrative package for any Television stations that decided to sign up for such a partnership. Just cut sports completely from their budget and pay a flat fee to the network for a nightly 2 minute sports report at 6pm and 11pm (or 10pm depending on the station) PLUS, a Friday Night Marlins package, a Friday Night Heat package, a Saturday Night Panthers Package, and possibly if Friday Night doesn’t work or even as a supplement to Friday Nights, a Sunday Afternoon Marlins package (this one would only last until September if the partner stations are CBS or Fox affiliates because of football.)

.. ..

Of course the main studios would be located at the flagship broadcast station, meaning we need a station that’s state of the art, would appreciate the programming, and wouldn’t mind also running a local cable only supplement to their main news programming. From Miami, I’d eliminate WFOR because, hell, its 2009 and they haven’t even gone HD yet even though they’re a CBS owned and operated station. While the thought of an all news station would appeal to WSVN, it hurts that it’s a Fox Station and Fox wouldn’t be too thrilled with one of their stronger affiliates linking up with someone that drove them out of a lucrative market. WPLG has the ABC affiliation BUT then if ABC gets interested and decides to stir the pot a little bit, we’d wind up with ESPN South Florida and honestly we don’t want that (even though the radio station would be an ESPN radio affiliate AND late nights the RSN would air ESPNNEWS, an ESPN clone is NOT a good idea.)

.. ..

This leaves us narrowed down to two options in South Florida: WTVJ, an NBC owned and operated station, and WSFL, a tribune owned CW affiliate. (WBFS is owned by CBS like WFOR, therefore it’s eliminated by proxy despite being the home of WWE Smackdown due to its MyNetworkTV affiliation.) Well, thing with WTVJ is that they’d enjoy the cut costs from not having a sports department, but as for an all news channel operated by them, eh, sorry, couldn’t see it working. Plus, we already mentioned a Friday Night Marlins/Heat package meaning Jay Leno would be pre-empted, something we all know NBC doesn’t wantdespite the fact that it’s been this year’s television EPIC FAIL!

.. ..

In South Florida this leaves us with WSFL. Once upon a time it was just known as Channel 39, then WB 39, then CW South Florida, until finally they rebranded the station SFL. They already have the rights to SEC Football and basketball and have been aggressive in purchasing programming. Their afternoon programming to compete with other station’s news programs includes top hits such as Family Guy, The Simpsons, and Two and a Half Men. They’re also looking to expand their local news presence, and are operated by the Sun-Sentinel, a local Miami newspaper (both are owned by Tribune Company, who has a similar arrangement in Chicago to the local TV station-local cable news net idea for South Florida that I’m posting.) They’ve already launched a morning show that has seen its rough patches but improves on its ratings daily, and with the backing of the Sun-Sentinel could most likely run a 24 hour news station using up and coming talent that are fresh from graduation from FIU or UM to possibly in the future promote into the big leagues (which in their case would be a 10pm newscast.) Plus, other than SEC football and basketball, no other sports programming from any networks (CW doesn’t have the rights to any sports coverage) and weekend programming that mainly consists of re-runs and movies (and since the CW doesn’t program on Sunday Nights, the occasional Sunday Night Heat or Panthers game could find its way onto SFL’s schedule.)

.. ..

This seems way too perfect not to work, especially since Tribune has experience with their local stations airing local sports teams games (WPIX in New York with Mets, Rangers, and Knicks, WGN in Chicago with the Cubs, White Sox, Bulls and Blackhawks). As for the other partners, Well, let’s go with the CW affiliates in both markets: WTVX in West Palm Beach, which has no plans for a newscast but would sure welcome one either produced by WSFL but geared towards West Palm Beach (or even an hour long newscast simulcast to both CW stations done in Ft. Lauderdale servicing both markets since Ft. Lauderdale is in the middle of both.) And for the Ft. Myers-Naples area, since their CW affiliate WXCW had a newscast produced by CBS affiliate WINK, both stations could contribute and be a member of this loose network, with WINK getting some Marlins, Heat and Panthers games in the Friday-Saturday-Sunday timeslots that they’d normally air anyways that don’t interfere with CBS Network programming, plus the money they’d save on their sports bureau.

.. ..

Of course you’re thinking this wouldn’t work, as the station would mainly give out Marlins and Heat propaganda. Not the case, it would be independent of the two organizations, but owned under the same corporate umbrella. The reporting would have to be fair, and not abused like say with negative attacks and editorials about departing free agents or players they want to trade (not at least without a dissenting opinion). The revenue’s they’d bring in with advertising, and their partnerships with these stations would be enough to give the Marlins plenty of money to spend, as well as give the Heat more than enough to cover any luxury tax payments they’d have to make.

.. ..

Of course, all of this is just a pipe dream, but a great idea none the less. If I’m the Marlins and Heat and this offer was proposed to me, I’d take it in a cocaine heartbeat. What are the chances of this happening? We probably would never see it, but if anyone reads this that can make things happen and get things done, they might want to forward the link to this blog in an e-mail to Mr. Mickey Arison and Mr. Jeffrey Loria, that way at least they’ll waste money hiring consultants to tell them exactly what I’m saying they should do and telling them for free.

And if it does happen, Mr. Arison, Mr. Loria, and their consultants can take all of the credit.

Its 2009, not 1999!

Allen Iverson is one of the best players I’ve ever seen. He’s a former number one pick, 2000-01 NBA MVP, he single-handedly led a Sixers team that had no business being even a playoff team to the NBA Finals and actually stole a game from the dominant Shaq-Kobe led Lakers. He’s a warrior, he gives it his all every day, and when all is said and done, will be one of the 50 best players in NBA history.

I don’t want the Miami Heat to sign him though.

The prevalent rumor going around town is that Iverson is the Heat’s big free agent target this year. In an effort to keep Dwyane Wade beyond this season, the Heat wants to make a big splash and be a contender. Wade in fact is the one spear-heading the Iverson to Miami talks, and is begging Riley to make a move and sign the ten time all-star.

On paper, the heat signing Iverson is great, but basketball games aren’t played on paper, they’re played on the court, and that’s where Iverson could be a problem. I have no doubt that he still has game despite being 34 (only five years younger than Coach Erick Spolestra) but Iverson has always been somewhat of a ball-hog. He’s not a natural point guard, he’s a 2. Wade is a 2. Obviously they’re not going to put Wade on the bench, which means Chalmers will lose minutes. While I wouldn’t have a problem with Chalmers losing some minutes so that he wouldn’t have as much pressure to develop into the point guard we know he could be Iverson wouldn’t be the right guy for him to lose minutes to. (I’d much rather the Heat had decided to keep J-Will last season.)

The other key question is, how much will this cost? I’m sure Iverson won’t sign for super star bucks. While his name is still a star name, and he is a future hall of famer (yes, he is, I don’t care what you say, he’s headed to Springfield five years after he retires, ring or no ring), Iverson still would cost more than he’s worth. Now the deal the heat are preparing to offer him isn’t one that will screw them up for next year’s plans to sign Bosh, hell I’m sure it’s probably a one or two year deal at the most. But to me, I don’t see where it would improve the team right now.

Facts are Orlando and Cleveland actually got worse. The moves look like they got better because they got big name players, but they got worse in the sense that they acquired two of the biggest chemistry killers in the NBA. Orlando traded a future swing man who can take pressure off of Dwight Howard in exchange for another shooter who’s past his prime. The Cavs didn’t give up much for Shaq, but I’m telling you, LeBron and Shaq will not work. This leaves Boston, who made a signing that can improve chemistry (Rasheed) as the team to beat in the East. The Heat could’ve improved based off of the development of the youngsters on the team. It would be smarter to wait till 2010 for Chris Bosh because then, they shoot to the top of the east. (LeBron’s not staying in Cleveland, and this is the Celtic’s last real shot) Iverson maybe takes a 43-39 number five seed that loses a first round series in seven games and makes them a 45-37 number five seed that loses a second round series in five games. That’s not much of an improvement there, and not a move to the upper echelon of the NBA.

Best thing to wait. The Iverson signing will only bring a name and sedate Wade, but it won’t improve the team like he hopes it will. It won’t make the team better, and could make it worse. They’ll be fine without Iverson for this year, and Wade has to be convinced with that because, for some reason he doesn’t see it. So to Pat Riley, go with your gut, don’t sign Iverson, wait for Bosh.

Being A Cubs Fan...

Hello, my name is Thomas Galicia, and I’m a Chicago Cubs fan.

It all started when I was a baby. It was 1984 (I was born in 1983) and the Cubs were enjoying their best season since 1969. My father was raised in Chicago and fell in love with the team at a young age. My mom had moved around but ended up moving with my dad to Chicago in the mid 70s when he attended college, and she got sucked into the bug too. That I was born a year before what would be the Cubs best season was either a good omen or a bad omen.

In 1984, the Cubs won the National League East with an impressive 96-65 record. Even more impressive was on their heels were the up and coming New York Cocaine is a hell of drug Mets led by phenom Doc Gooden, the always tough St. Louis Cardinals, and defending NL Champion Philadelphia Phillies. The team was led by MVP second baseman Ryne Sandberg and mid-season acquisition and Cy Young winner Rick Sutcliffe. They lead the National League in Runs scored and were second in attendance, a feat that the Florida Marlins will never, ever achieve.

Everything seemed to be going right for the Cubs that year, but of course, they’re the Cubs.
When Leon Durham failed to field that groundball in the NLCS against the Padres, I cried. Hell, if there was a doody in my diaper or I was hungry I would’ve cried even if the Cubs won because, I was barely a year old. But from that moment, I was hooked. I was always watching games with my dad, and they were always on because Miami didn’t have a baseball team, our cable company piped in WGN, and games that usually weren’t on WGN were on NBC. However after 1984, they wouldn’t regain the magic touch they had that year. No playoff appearances until 1989.

After losing in five in 1989, it would be almost a full decade until the Cubs got back to the Promised Land. In between that time, we saw the best pitcher in baseball leave the Cubs for Atlanta because the Cubs didn’t even offer him a contract (because trying to keep a Cy Young winning pitcher in his prime and building your team around him is never a good decision), a strike that cancelled the World Series, four baseball teams added in Denver (the Rockies), Phoenix (Diamondbacks), St. Petersburg (Tampa Bay Rays), and of course my hometown of Miami (Marlins, and yes I know, each team has reached the World Series while the Cubs haven’t), the rise and fall of Canseco, the end of the concrete ashtray stadium era thanks to Camden Yards in Baltimore, and of course, about ten billion Tony LaRussa pitching changes.
During that time, I also kind of committed a crime. After seeing on opening day 1997 that the Marlins had a shot at winning the World Series while the Cubs had a shot of starring in Bad News Bears, All Grown Up, I latched onto the Marlins that year. Yes, Tommy became a bandwagoner. Thankfully God works in mysterious ways, like having the first ever dismantling of a World Champion the same year that one Kerry Wood came into my life.

You really had to be there to appreciate 1998 Kerry Wood. The 20 year old fireball throwing Texan was just bigger than life. Nothing intimidated this guy, he not only threw fast, but he had balls too. On top of that, he carried himself with more swag than any Cubs pitcher had in my lifetime. (Maddox was more methodical, nothing really much in the swag department.) I still remember where I was and what I was doing when Woody struck out 20 Astros, just an incredible afternoon.

Then came June, and Sosa hit 20 home runs in one month. Now I know steroids played a huge part in it, but please remember he wasn’t the only one using, and there were pitchers using too. Sosa competed with McGwire for the Home Run crown, the Cubs were in contention, and just like that, the franchise was hooked to the juvenation machine. It ended with a tie breaker against Barry and the Giants (managed by Dusty, more on him later) where we defeated them and went to the post season to take on the Atlanta Braves. Yes we were swept, and yes we ended up sucking for another five years, but I was hooked.

Of course, that would be 2003, which everyone blamed Bartman for. I can’t blame Bartman for that, I refuse to. Reality is Dusty should’ve pulled Prior before that inning began. He just didn’t have anything on his fastball, and his breaking ball wasn’t breaking. He became easier than Amber and Tiffany, and everyone would have their turn. Bartman just gets the blame because, well, I’ve realized why the Cubs really haven’t won anything in over 100 years.

This curse is used as a crutch, a marketing tool, and a way to cover up incompetence. Fact is, you don’t win a World Series by signing people like Milton Bradley to $10 Million a year contracts, you don’t win a World Series by putting together teams with no semblance of chemistry, and you sure as hell don’t win a World Series by having players on the team that don’t seem to have an “EFF YOU!” mode. The 2004 Red Sox had that mode, and used it, and that’s why the Red Sox went from being a tortured, cursed team into being the team of the decade, and the team that I’d most want the Cubs to play if we make it to the World Series this year. (Ok I’ve wanted the Red Sox since I was a kid, but even more so this year because of everything that’s happened since 2004, and so that Albie and I can have a reason to talk shit to each other and make stupid bets that involve drinking.)

The curse sells t-shirts, making a cottage industry around Wrigley that stimulates the economy better than any stimulus package, but most importantly, it takes the responsibility off the people who are in charge. Truth is the law of averages dictates that no team should go 100 years without a world title, curse or no curse. But with bad management, That’s different. Trading Lou Brock was a historically dumb idea. Letting go of Maddox after his first Cy Young season was a stupid decision. Not trading Sosa in 2000 when the Cubs were hopelessly out of it and the whole steroid thing hadn’t happened yet for prospects that would still be helping out was stupid. Signing Milton Bradley was stupid. Trading DeRosa was stupid. Not trading Derrick Lee is so stupid that when the Cubs come down here I might bring a shit sandwich to his hotel room. I could go on and on.

At the beginning of this decade, I was so sure we’d have at least one World Series appearance. There’s still time, we’re only two games back, there’s still hope, and that’s why I still cheer for the Cubs. I’m a hopeless romantic, when I want something really bad, even if it seems like there’s no hope, I’ll still hold on to some. Some years its better than others. If they do terrible, then when Training Camp starts I’ll pour myself into the Dolphins (another hopeless case for another time). But only once in the last ten years have they been terrible (2006, Dusty’s final season). Will they win it all this year? Well, I’ll tell you next week when I do my all-star break predictions. But the fact is, part of being a Cubs fan, it’s like being a Dolphins fan, or some other aspects of my life, I just got to hold on to hope, and it will happen…am I right?

Poker, The 4th, and EFF YOU! Mode

It’s Saturday afternoon, and it’s the 4th of July. I have a 4th of July fam bam bash/uncle’s birthday party later on during the day (photos will be posted later on today!) With a theme that makes sense, Havana Nights! Great theme, great way to honor my motherland’s rich heritage (translation, alcohol, cigars, and copious amounts of pork, rice, black beans, and yucca) while honoring my home country’s 233rd birthday. Remember, unless you’re a descendent of a Native American tribe, we’re all immigrants to this country; we all came from somewhere else. Your family might be from Mexico, Germany, Ireland, or in my case, Cuba. But remember, nothing is more American than being from somewhere else, because, well, everyone is. (Of course, you should still know how to fucking speak English, my family had to learn when they came from Cuba, and while Ricky Ricardo might not have been the best teacher, goddammit, abuela learned! You should have to learn too goddammit! This is America…FUCK YEAH!)
While waiting for this fam bam bash to start though, I passed the time the way I usually do when born. MySpace poker! Now for those of you familiar with the podcast I do with John, and if you’re not, then what the fuck is wrong with you, you’ll know that there are certain things we like, sports, cursing, music, and poker. Is poker a sport? I say no, it can’t be a sport if it involves sitting on your ass, ESPN coverage be damned! But, it’s still fun, we still enjoy it. I play for real, but most of the time, I just play on MySpace, for fake MySpace money. It’s not a money thing for me, it’s a competitive thing.
See, I’m one of the most competitive people on planet earth. You tell me you can do something better than me, I’ll show you where you’re wrong. You drive a golf ball the farthest? I can out drive you, and I haven’t played golf since I was 14! You go 15/15 at pop a shot at Dave and Busters, I’ll go 16/16, and I shoot worse than Shaq at the free throw line. You tell me your boyfriend makes you moan in bed? I’ll make you scream so loud it wakes your parents up…when we live in Miami and your parents live in New York! Point is, I thrive on competition, it brings the best, and sometimes the worst, out of me.
But today it wasn’t just about competition. While I did participate in this sit and go MySpace tourney, my heart wasn’t quite in it at first. I just needed something to do before I started to get ready. So I clicked on it, but really didn’t pay attention. It didn’t help that the first few hands that I dealt weren’t exactly winners. But then I looked down at the chat, and well, you read it for yourself.
Mz.Muffin: ty 4 da rose
KarN : yw
Ace Of Spades: gl everyone
Mz.Muffin: yea u 2
►THE KING◄: gl
Mz.Muffin: ty 4da rose
ty 4 da teddy bear
miguel pereira: portugues?
Mz.Muffin: yes but dnt speak it
miguel pereira: ah???? so portugues cat
Mz.Muffin: ?
miguel pereira: so ebtender portugues
Mz.Muffin: ty 4da rose
ty 4 da beer
ty
►THE KING◄: she deserves a red rose
Mz.Muffin: ty 4 da rose\
►THE KING◄: does she
yw
miguel pereira: camon
flause
allin
tas fora toine
Mz.Muffin: tommy ur thing says: The smartest, funniest, and most handsome man in the world! n u deff aint nigga
►THE KING◄: lol thats mean but funny
Mz.Muffin: datz me
miguel pereira: tommy es um boi corno
Mz.Muffin: it should say the dumbest loser n ugly-est man in da world
►THE KING◄: lol your lowering his self esteem
Mz.Muffin: have u seen him? he fat
►THE KING◄: lol
Potter: yea that was haliouris
miguel pereira: messa
Mz.Muffin: thankz
Now let me give you some insight. Mz. Muffin had to be maybe, 16, 17 years old? Doesn’t know me, but hey, her thought process is let’s gang up and insult the one guy not saying anything and not really playing so we could build up our self-esteem while trying to tear down his. After all it’s not like poker is a game where vindictiveness can actually help you play better right? Right? Well, it was time for me to lay down my weakest verbal smack down. Why my weakest? Because that doesn’t deserve a good one.
Tommy: *rolls eyes* so u guys having fun coming up with clever insults? I mean seriously thats the weakest I've heard since Kindergarten!
►THE KING◄: ooooo packin
Could I have come up with someone better? Of course, I used to freestyle, and about 50% of freestyling is coming up with clever quips, that rhyme, in a fraction of a second. Here, not only did it not have to rhyme, but I had all day, see I could’ve said this:
Tommy: Little mz muffin, sat on a tuffin, eating her curds and whey
She tries to be witty, but ends up looking silly, cuz she turned her last 2 boyfriends gay!
Something along those lines, but she wasn’t worth it, besides, I was playing poker, meaning, I was in my element. On top of that, I was in “EFF YOU!” mode. Now, “EFF YOU!” mode is a magical place when you’re competing for something. I do my best writing in “EFF YOU!” mode, I’ve been in “EFF YOU!” mode for the last month, and couldn’t have been more creative, our last podcast was probably our best one yet! Don’t underestimate the power of “EFF YOU!” mode. (One place where “EFF YOU!” mode doesn’t work? Relationships! You’re pretty much signing a relationship’s death certificate when you try to make it work while you’re in “EFF YOU!” mode!)
Well, every time someone puts me into “EFF YOU!” mode while playing poker, I end up winning. And this was no exception. Before I saw these witty insults, I had had yet to play a hand I wasn’t blinded into, partly because I didn’t have any good hands, but also partly because I was disinterested and didn’t feel like bluffing. After though? Well in the words of Tony Soprano, fuggetaboutit! Lo and behold, my next hand, Jack-10 suited. I play it, and put mz muffin all in. Someone else calls, but he wasn’t all in. The flop comes out, Jack-6-3. I check, the other guy checks. Then comes the turn: Jack. This gives me Trips. I check while the other guy bets, so I call. I had a feeling this dude had a Jack based off of his bet, but still wasn’t sure, and if he did, what was his kicker? In my eyes, only a 3, 6, queen, or ace could beat me. Then comes the river: a 6! Now I had a full house, only a four of a kind, straight flush, or royal flush could beat me now. At worst, I’m splitting the pot with this guy, at best, I’m winning this fat pot. So I go all in, he calls, and he ended up with THE EXACT SAME HAND AS ME: JACK-10 SUITED! But, what did mz muffin have? King-2! Now, King-2 you’ll play when you’re blinded in or only have to play the blinds, but if the flop doesn’t come out with 3 2’s, 3 K’s, two K’s and a 2, two 2’s and a K, or a straight or flush draw, you fold by the flop, and if someone puts you all in, you certainly don’t play it. After the flop, I was beating her, and after the Turn, she was drawing dead! Of course I looked at the chat, and saw this:
Mz.Muffin: 0-o0o0o0o ur in kindergarten still?
►THE KING◄: who me
Now, I don’t know what she was trying to say, I doubt she even knew, after all, she was a stupid little girl, and let’s face it, I think I’ve seen enough of those in my life already. Well, she lost, but before she left the game for good, I had this reply, it’s a shame she didn’t get to read it though:
Tommy: I said since kindergarten mz muffin...when u graduate from there you'll know what the word since means ;-)
I ended up owning in the tourney after this, all thanks to mz muffin. I hope she’s out there somewhere and winds up reading this, and if she is, thanks love! Thanks for putting me into “EFF YOU!” mode, it was a blast being able to kick you out of the room. Have fun picking on others who don’t meet your standard of beauty. And when you have kids of your own, which based off of your profile picture and the way you tried to impress all in the room I would guess will be soon despite you being only 17 years old, remember the day you put the fat dude in your poker room in “EFF YOU!” mode as you look at your old pictures and reminisce about your high school days while looking at your yearbook then start crying as you look down at your stomach that’s bigger than the good year blimp and your hips that are wider than the double wide that you call home.
(What? Was that too vindictive? Ahh yea, the downfall of “EFF YOU!” mode. Sorry.)

Tommy on Sports, both real and of the "Sports Entertainment" variety.

2008 Started off horribly for me as a sports fan. The Dolphins were coming off a 1-15 season that saw more turnover, the Heat were the worst team in the NBA, and the Cubs are the Cubs, we'll get to October in a little bit.

However, it turned out to be a great year. The Heat got Beasley in the draft, which has worked out very well. He has shown progress in every game this year, and looks to be the Pippen to Wade's Jordan (fingers crossed). On top of that, no one seems to be noticing that Erik Spolestra is a great coach. Last summer when Pat Riley stepped down, people outside of South Florida were shocked that he would go with the 37 year old rookie head coach over a more proven name such as former Celtics coach Jim O'Brien, former Bulls coach Scott Skiles, or even Jeff Van Gundy. However, not one of them stops to think that the reason that all of these coaches have the title "former" precede there names is because, well, they just aren't that good. That's not always the case, (sometimes politics plays into the firing of a head coach in any sport), but in those cases its abundantly clear. Jim O'Brien really had one magical season with Boston before he showed that he's better as an assistant, Scott Skiles has been shown the door after a couple of successful seasons with young players and one horrible one mainly because his schtick tends to wear thin after 3 or 4 years, and Jeff Van Gundy, well, he is good, but when his heart is not into it, you can really tell (see the 2000-2001 Knicks, or the 2006-07 Rockets.) So when those are your options, why not take a chance on someone that has been with the organization for a decade, and already has the trust of your superstar who happens to become a free agane in 2010 and will be sought after by any of the other 29 teams that fail to sign LeBron?

Speaking of taking a chance, that's what the Dolphins had to do on so many aspects this season. First it was taking a chance on Tony Sparano (pass), then on Chad Pennington (emphatically pass), Ricky Willilams (pass) and on an innovative yet old school formation we know today as the Wildcat (pass, unless the opponent is the Baltimore Ravens). All of these risks led to an improbable as late as my birthday (on October 21st in case you're interested) 11-5 season that included our first AFC East Championship since Bill Clinton was in office. (Don't tell me Bush was President at the time, we won the AFC east in 2000, when Clinton was still in office, and were eliminated about a week before Bush took the oath, therefore, I'm correct.) Yes we were eliminated against the Ravens, and yes, that elimination was a humiliation, an abomination, and disgrace to Dolphins fan-nation (sorry for sounding like Jesse Jackson) but, we got there, something we as Dolphins fans could never have imagined. Of course thanks are in order, and I hope that Brett Favre is enjoying that lovely fruit basket I sent him. Brett, remember, if you want to come back, you're more than welcome to, just make sure its with the Jets! And to Bernard Pollack of the Kansas City Chiefs, thank you for playing football, and to Lil Wayne, thanks for performing a concert in the New England area that got Kevin Faulk suspended because apparently he wasn't allowed to go.

Now before I get to the Cubs, I'm going to take a minute and discuss pro-wrestling...sorry Vince McMahon hates that term and since he's so egotistical he'll read anything with his name in it odds are he's probably reading this right now so by pro-wrestling I meant "sports entertainment." (Whats the use for that term? Isn't all sports, both real and fake technically entertainment when you really think about it? What other reason, besides gambling, is there to watch sports if its not to be entertained?)

Right now as it stands, John Cena is the World Heavyweight Champion (puke), and Edge is the WWE Champion. Technically there the same thing, but they're not, whatever. Meanwhile, Jeff Hardy and Matt Hardy are apparently enemies now, and Shawn Michaels is working for JBL. Eddie Guerrero's wife has a problem with Triple-H, and black wrestlers still don't succeed even though the two guys in the WWE that have the most talent and best in-ring personalities are African-American. (Shelton Benjamin and Kofi Kingston). Now not to sound like Keith Olbermann but, if we have an African American president, don't you think its time that African Americans can succeed in pro wrestling/"sports entertainment" as well? Well not to the WWE, instead they'd rather give us John "I stole my act from Marky Mark" Cena and Adam "I stole my ring name from the guitarist from U2" Copeland as champions, while their number one contenders are a guy that works for Fox News, a guy who's married to the boss's daughter and has already won the damn thing so many times that people who think its real are starting to think its fixed, the underrated Randy Orton and the always entertaining when he has his head straight but that's always an enigma Jeff Hardy. (If you wonder where Jeff Hardy gets his nickname "The Charismatic Enigma" well look up his wikipedia page and you'll see why.) Meanwhile Shelton Benjamin holds a downright meaningless title (The United States Championship) while Kofi is seen more as an entertaining dude.

(Turns to the next camera a la Olbermann)

The blatant Racism that has been shown by the WWE is something that I'd really like to see changed, however thats probably not going to happen until VKM finally meets his maker. You may love Triple-H or hate him (I actually like him which doesn't exactly make me a lot of friends amongst the Internet smark community) but I've always given him credit for making his opponent look good when he loses, always trying to be entertaining despite the fact that in reality he lost his fastball when he dropped the title to Batista, and because, lets face it, between him, Shawn Michaels, Kane and The Undertaker, they're all we have left of the "Attitude Era" which was probably the best era in pro wrestling/"sports entertainment" history. Well, odds are when VKM does die, it won't be Shane or even Stephanie that takes control of the company, it will be Triple-H, and, I think he's actually going to do more for that company behind the scenes then he could as a "superstar". I'm Thomas Galicia, good night, and good lu-

Oh yea thats right, I almost forgot about the Chicago Cubs. Last year they were the best team in the National League, and were the favorites of many to win the World Series. If you blinked you missed their playoff appearance though, getting swept by the Dodgers. This year again they will be the favorites in the National League Central, despite the fact that the team got worse, not better.

First, they let go of Kerry Wood. Maybe that's not such a bad thing, he was shaky towards the end of the year, but, its a blow because of what he meant to the team. He's been through it all, and is the only Cubs player in history to go to the post season four times with the Cubs. (1998, 2003, 2007, 2008.) Then they traded DeRosa, even though he was their most consistent clutch hitter. Now he may not get the publicity that Soriano, Lee, Ramirez, or even Fukudome do, but without him, they're not in the playoffs last year.

Instead they trade for Kevin Gregg. Now my cousin is a huge Marlins fan, upon hearing the trade he laughed. Never a good sign. Then, instead of thinking "maybe we should move Fukudome to Center or trade him then sign Manny" they instead sign Milton Bradley, who's great when he has his head straight, but has massive problems controlling his temper and when that's not an issue, injuries are. Oh and by the way they're paying him $10 million a year for the next two years, money that would be put to better use had they just brought back last year's squad.

They're probably going to win the NL Central, and probably by about 5 to 10 games. Every team has either stayed the same (St. Louis, Houston) or gotten weaker (Milwaukee). As for the Reds, well I really can't take them seriously, they have a great young team, but a manager that doesn't know how to utilize young talent the way you should, oh and his name is Dusty Baker, meaning if we're getting into a one game playoff for the NL Central crown with Cincinnati, we're probably going to win because Dusty really seems to have problems in those circumstances unless his charges are playing the Atlanta Braves. Then the Pirates are the Pirates so we can just move on.

Its in October where I'm worried. The Phillies are the team to beat in their division, and if the Dodgers re-sign Manny like they should then their going to be a force. Plus the NL will probably have this year's surprise good team that could sneak into the playoffs and cause trouble. (I'm down to two candidates right now, the Giants and the Marlins, and I'm leaning towards the Giants, although if they sign Manny then it wouldn't be a surprise.) It is October where everything really comes together, unless you're the Cubs, then October is where everything falls apart, so I have this to say to my beloved team from the North side of Chi...If you win 100 games, I don't care, if you win 85 games, I don't care, if you just get in, I don't care, because like many other Cubs fan, what matters to me is to win 11 in the month of October.