Why Couldn't This Have Been Invented When I was Growing Up?

Ah Children. I don't have them.

Its on purpose of course, I'm the type of person who doesn't want to cross that bridge until I feel I'm ready, so I've done everything except one thing (and I'm blessed that I've never been in a situation to do that one thing) to ensure that I wouldn't become a daddy until I'm ready.

But now that I feel that I've found the love of my life, well, I'm thinking it might be time.

No not now, we're not even really ready for marriage yet (I'm pretty traditional with that stuff), but it wouldn't be the worst thing in the world to have a child.

Of course one problem with having a child is not being able to share your music with them until their older. Even then I know that my children will call me old for listening to Kanye West, Eminem and other artists of all genres that I grew up with (if that happens I'm a failure as a parent, it will be my mission that three things happen with my kids: 1. That they're safe and provided for, 2. if I have a daughter I'll do whatever it takes to make sure she doesn't become a stripper and with a son I'll do whatever it takes to make sure that he doesn't become one of those weird dudes that goes to Strip Clubs on Tuesday afternoons, and 3. That they don't listen to shitty music) but then, I find this:

http://www.rockabyebabymusic.com

Yup, all of your favorite songs in lullaby form!

Thankfully, there's no reggeaton. I don't think that could translate to lullabies. Thankfully no Miguel either.

But instead we get some of the best bands from the last 50 years.

You want your child to be raised on The Beatles? They got that!

You more of a Stones fan? Look no further!

Aerosmith? He or She will be "Cryin" for this one!

From Led Zepplin to AC/DC, you can soothe your little bundle of joy to sleep with the soothing melodies of Classic Rock and even more current artists such as Coldplay and Queens of the Stone Age.

I just have a feeling that between me and Sara (assuming she's the one, which I believe she is) have a child together, Pearl Jam will become the choice.

But what about some of the ones I didn't mention? Like Nine Inch Nails. Yeah, they have Closer. Oh you want a listen? Here.

Yikes! That song? Of all songs? Don't get me wrong, I love the actual song, but as a lullaby? Listen to the actual song, yeah, kind of awkward.

Of course they also have lullabies that make sure your child becomes a self-centered, egotistical jerk. Granted with some parents they're already well on their way to doing that anyways but I doubt this helps.

Now its not bad, just, you'll hear this once your child is old enough to have a vocabulary.

"Mommy, Mommy, ay yo mommy hold up! I'm really happy for you and imma let you finish, but I just took the greatest doody of all time! OF ALL TIME!"

Then there's, um, this.

Yes, this is what you want your child to fall asleep to. What's the original song about again?

Oh right.

Actually, I think Metallica is my choice now. If my child can fall asleep to that, then for sure they won't be the little softies you see now a days.

Music Fans Have Finally Found Something They Can All Agree They Hate...

In 2004, Blender called this Starship song "We Built This City" the worst song ever. It is usually revilled whenever its heard, especially by my girlfriend Sara, who herself has claimed it to be "terrible."

Now, I love the song. Part of the charm is how bad it is. But dammit is it so catchy, and 80's, and other things I love, mainly ironic and contradictory.

The band Starship began as Jefferson Airplane, a psychedelic rock band from San Francisco formed in the late 60's. They were as anti-corporate and innovative as you could get. The irony in this song is the fact that its so corporate and non-innovative. Their follow-up to this song, also a song I like, was even worse; a love song called "Sara" and had a video that starred then Hollywood It-Girl Rebecca De Mornay as the titular Sara character. (Then again, both videos are kind of trippy: "We Built This City" features large dice bowling over people on the Vegas strip, while "Sara" seems to be more about an oncoming tornado in the Midwest than about a girl.)

What's my point? Well despite the hatred this song gets, people out there either liked or still like the song. And I know I'm not alone, I have stats to prove it: 591,000 YouTube hits, and most importantly, it was Number 1 on the Billboard charts the week of November 16-November 23, 1985.

For the most part, that describes music. Some people will love it, some will hate it. Music will never make you ambivalent, and even the truly great ones get a polarizing reaction for their music alone.

So what does it take for someone to release a song that everyone seems to agree on sucks? Honestly, I this was it.

Dear Pittsburgh...this totally wipes out any goodwill with me you built by giving us Dan Marino. That is all.

Sorry I had to go on a tangent, but, I mean do you HEAR THIS CRAP? This is why people don't like hip hop and continue to dismiss it. For every 2pac, Biggie, Bone Thugs, Jay-Z, Eazy-E, and Snoop, theres a clown like this.

If you don't "already know what it is" this is Wiz Khalifa, part of "Taylor Gang." What is this song about? Well its just about being repetitive and just saying Black and Yellow over and over again while sneaking in some trite lyrics about driving a black and yellow car, smoking weed, and making money. To me, this song is TERRIBLE, in fact, I hate Taylor Gang because of the "Taylor Gang or DIE" mentality, which has since been adopted by Los Angeles Lakers fans who scream "Team Lakers or DIE!"

So of course, this song is a hit.

No, THIS is the song that has united a country in hatred of a song.

Hold on, let me get this straight: a 23 year old can write a song that just repeats his two favorite colors over and over again, and everybody seems to love it, we've accepted the Jonas Brothers for five years (and counting), we've accepted (to a point) Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus, Selena Gomez, and whomever Disney feels like shoving down our throats this week, yet THIS song is the tipping point where everyone unanimously hates it? Really? What did I miss.

I'm not saying its good, its not. Its shallow, vapid manufactured pop music for the masses with no soul, which gives it something in common with everything else mentioned above.

So why is this girl getting all the crap and yet we give Wiz, the JoBro's and others a free pass (yes I know, no one gets a free pass per se, but I mean in the unanimous "this is crap" decision.)

I think I know why: guilt. I hate to bring this up, but since Janet Jackson's Super Bowl "Wardrobe Malfunction," music has been sliding more towards the end of shallow, vapid and safe. The 80's were like that too, but at least it was shallow vapid and safe with a soul, if that makes any sense.

Recent music has lacked soul. The best bands are indie bands, and rappers stopped rapping about real life the way that Pac, Biggie and Eminem used to. By 2011, we had Dr. Dre releasing "Detox" which so far sounds like it should be a Flo-Rida album (nothing wrong with Flo-Rida, just I want Dre), Eminem doing Chrysler ads, and one of the top rappers of today hailing from Canada and being famous for starring in "Degrassi."

To add to that, Nickleback passed for "Great Rock" when it should've just been "decent party rock." They're just great in comparison with everything else.

Collectively we're starting to wake up from that, even though I've been seeing this and warning people about it since 2005. But now, we're awake as a whole, and Rebecca Black, the singer of "Friday" is getting the brunt of the abuse.

I don't think its deserved though. Yes, its horrible, shallow, soulless, manufactured, and, well bad. But here's the thing: she's 13. If a 13 year old future pop star needs a song, this is the song to give her. It is catchy, and when making pop music, especially to appeal to her demographic, catchy is all thats important. And yes, I HATE the song, but there are songs that I hate more that are worse.

But my heart goes out to her, she's only trying to live a dream, and just as she has a chance to do it, you have these internet tough guys telling her to die. Now as someone who's dealt with such people on Bleacher Report, I can empathize with the poor girl on this one. Someone who left me a death threat and told me to die over something I wrote is an asshole. However the people who said this to her, well, if they're over the age of 18 (yes its possible) then may God have mercy on their souls.

Rebecca, keep your head up and keep doing what you're doing. I hope you get that duet with Justin Bieber. Yes, it will probably be the most hated song in the history of pop music, but here's something else I know: it will also get a lot of iTunes downloads, a lot of YouTube views, and will be #1 on the charts.

Oh, and to everyone else, if you truly hate something, don't watch the videos, change the station when its on the radio, and don't discuss it. Remember, in entertainment, any reaction is a good reaction, the best way to make crappy music go away is to just ignore it. The first time I looked up the "Black and Yellow" song on YouTube was to do this article, and it will also be the last, same with "Friday."

But because of idiots like me who wrote a blog about it, and more importantly everyone else, both of these songs have legs. In other words, we have no one to blame for crap but ourselves.

Is the Slim Shady I Grew Up Listening To Back?

Remember back in 2000 when life was more simple?

When we were worried about the President Of The United States lying about cheating on his wife instead of him possibly lying about his religion?

When I was only in high school and life at least seemed better?

At that time, it was no argument, Eminem was the most interesting man in all of music as well as the greatest rapper alive.

Eminem's apex (1999-2002) compares favorably with that of 2pac's (1994-1996), Jay-Z's (2001-2003), and Ice Cube's (1990-1993), and far surpasses that of so-called current "Greatest Rapper Alive" Lil Wayne (his apex was actually 2004-2008, and even then you could argue that T.I. or Kanye were actually the best rappers of that time period.)

But Eminem has slipped, despite the acclaim that his latest album got. However the track I just posted shows signs of promise, and has me wondering and hoping that Eminem has returned to the Slim Shady that I remember.

For the sake of music as a whole, I hope so.